


I Love Your Light

by Blue_Spring_Nights



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Abuse, Comedy, M/M, Modern Era, Suicide Attempt, light hearted most of the time, tragic, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-16 15:48:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7274188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Spring_Nights/pseuds/Blue_Spring_Nights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Young poor awkward Moritz Steifiel never wanted to be so conflicted by his own feelings, but what is a deprssed, sexually confused, nervous boy to do? It is not easy living with a over religious father, and to go to a catholic private school with your troublesome best friend/the guy you are in love with. Ah yes there is nothing as sweet then a tragic comedy</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Plot

**Author's Note:**

> Also this is my first fanfic I ever wrote. So like this is just for fun lol
> 
> I pledge that no matter what, I will finish what I have started. meaning I'll try to finish this fanfic and not leave it hanging

It was a common saying that when you find your soulmate, you will see mystic light shine upon them. That It was that very information that Moritz Steifiel dreaded his entry life. He never liked the idea that you can't control who you fall in love with, but who does? Moritz never had a simple life when he was 15 he became suicidal from his home life and the stress from school, plus growing up in a very religious home didn't help. When he was 15 everything went downhill sure this curse of growing up and developing new feelings and desires was hell,  having restless nights dreaming about unspeakable things, that was even worse for young Moritz. He remembered when he just turned 15 and he came to school half asleep, speaking to his old childhood friend Melchior about his nightmares. Melchior would only laugh at him saying that "It is normal." But for Moritz it wasn't. Though he had dreams about girls, he had some dreams about the boys as well, which kept him up in fear, it wasn't right he thought, his father always said so. He surpassed those feelings as much as he could back then, until one day Melchior Gabor had to reminded him with his touches, will technically it was Melchior guiding his hands, teaching him how to release his tension,  saying that "It's natural we all do it. Here I'll show you."

Those sexual confusing moments in Moritz Steifiel's life did not help his mental stability, but how was Melchior supposed to know that his friend struggled with his own sexuality?

But that isn't the main reason that made Moritz have a gun in his hands while the sunsets, it was the abuse from his home, the fact he failed the grade. The fact that Ilsa invited him to be with her, and his fear of hell creeped in. It was the near end of spring when he attempted to commit suicide. His hands were shaking, forehead sweating, heart beating the darkness of the night pulled him in, he placed the gun within his mouth. He pulled the trigger but he sound caught him off guard that came from trees, And the gun slipped away from his target the gun was fired and it hit his left shoulder, the sound was echoing through the corn fields and forests. His weeping of utter pain more so, he heard someone yell, and he passed out.

After that incident happened Moritz was forced to move into his aunt's house for the summer. His family did not want to make this ordeal public, they didn't want shame to loom over their family so they kept things quiet for the most part. After being in the hospital for a few weeks, his aunt decided the best thing for him is to go to summer school so he can catch up to his grade. Moritz did not mind summer school, in the contrary, he enjoyed it, he enjoyed living with his aunt. She was kinder to him then his father ever could be, he liked the fact he could clear his head for an entire summer without thinking about uncomfortable things. Like Melchior. And when I say uncomfortable things I mean, ever since that whole "I'll show you how to ease your wet dreams." incident, Moritz would only have constant dreams about Melchior, he felt guilty at night for thinking of him. But during the day his thoughts were more innocent, like "I wonder what he is doing right now?" he was missing his best friend, they would usually hang out all summer long. But a sense of dread creeped into Moritz thoughts. He had heard that Wendla and him had gotten together,  which was inevitable they both were beautiful, had the same political views, they were the perfect couple no doubt about that. Moritz felt happy for Melchior, but at the same time he felt jealous, Which tormented Moritz even more at night.

When the summer finally ended he had passed his failed classes and it was time for him to move back to his father's. He had lived away from his hometown for two months at least, and even though he missed all his friends, the rivers, the corn fields. He was anxious and afraid to see his father again. His aunt told him to call on her anytime he likes. The thought made him smile, but will that really be the case? nevertheless he was going home. And in his heart he was scared yet thrilled to see Melchior again.

Moritz first day back at his father's house was okay to say the least. His father had talked how he usually talked with a stern disappointed tone. Though Moritz could tell he was putting a little effort into his attitude, he knew that everything would be completely the same after awhile. His father only asked a couple of question when they ate dinner together, questions like. "How was summer school?" "your test grade could have been a higher." only the typical school related questions. Moritz was quiet most of the time he had to be careful with his words, one slip up that might sound less manly, or less intelligent, would leave both Moritz and his father with a bitter taste in their mouths. Moritz's room had not changed since he had left. Still the same bed spread, curtains books that were untouched and glazed with dust, his wooden floors were cold from the open window, he wondered how long his window was open for, did his father ever enter his room? He hardly thinks so. A nice cool summer wind blow through his window, he missed the smell of these those lonely spring nights before summer had taken him. He lied on his bed without getting his normal clothing off. He knew either way he will be wearing that school uniform that brought back way too many memories. He fell vastly asleep of the sound of the wind that echoed through his room, that made the house crack with sounds, when he was young he was afraid of those sounds, his mother would calm him saying that the house was singing. That was has ridiculous as the whole "A light shines on your soulmate." thing, but a singing house seemed more probable. Before he drifted into sleep he prayed that no one would ask him to many questions when he wakes up and goes to school, he wanted to pretend that nothing happened. And

_His dreams continued to haunt him._


	2. Left in the dark: First day of school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention this is a slow build?  
> meaning it might take awhile before things get steamy  
> I might have a lot of errors in this, i'll fix em later

Dim light shined through the window, a breeze set in. Moritz woke up from the sudden morning chill, and felt his head throb. That morning was agonizing to be frank, he didn’t want to move from his bed nor did he want to meet his father's eyes. He was even prepared to be late for school to make sure his father was already out of the house before he was. But alas he would rather not experience his dad breaking into his room and yelling at him to get up and go to school. He forced himself to swallow his headache and open his eyes. His legs felt numb and his breath was shallow, he knew it was all because of stress and his anxiety that was building up to this day of coming back to face everyone. He also knew that no one knew about what happened not even Melchior, but still it was the thought of pretending that made him sick. 

He lifted his head and turned to the clock and in shock he realized he was already going to run late. He at this moment fell of the bed in a hurry and quickly hopped into the shower. It was a quick wash, as fast as he possibly could. He dried off, and with little precision, and time put on his school uniform. He ran out the door before his father could even say anything. 

He ran, and hopped on his old bike hoping that it was still in condition to be ridable. In his luck the bike was fine, and he round like a phantom to get to school. 

_ He always ends up with messy hair. _

He arrives at school, and puts his bike in the bike stand, he didn’t bother locking his bike, for he he forget to bring a lock, because of the rush he was in, he didn’t think too much about it. He got his schedule the other day so he knew what classes he was in. He didn’t bother to look if Melchior was in any of his classes, he thought that “ignorance is bliss” for certain things. To his surprise he got to his first class which was english, and there wasn’t a lot of students in there.”Maybe they are all running late for class, for the first day of school.” Moritz thought to himself.

He took a seat by the window a front of the class, he knew that there might be a seating plan. If he was lucky maybe the teacher will assign the seats they will sit in as the seats they choose the first day of class. “That would be wonderful” 

He felt nervous just sitting waiting for more classmates to come in, even the teacher seemed to be running late. He stared out the window to calm his nerves. At this exact moment he was wondering what he will say to Melchior when he sees him again. Then the thought became much more darker. He started to think that maybe Melchior forgot about him, for he has Wendla now. And he didn’t contact him all summer long. A feeling of dread started to grow with Moritz’s chest he felt like he couldn’t breath, he was about to grab his stuff and go run away to somewhere that isn't school. But just then without warning, he hears behind him “Well, well, well. Isn’t Moritz Stiefel.” He knew that voice better than his own. It was Melchior. Moritz looked at him, seeing his best friend smiling at him also giving him a curious look. He was stunned he didn’t know what he wanted to say, but luckily Melchior loved talking. 

“It seems we are in the same English class Moritz.” he smiled and sat next to him. Moritz jumped a little in his seat. Still the messy haired boy was not saying anything, he knew if he opened his mouth he would say something strange if not clumsy. But Melchior already knew Moritz’s nature. He continued 

 

“What kind of teacher do think we are going to get?”

 

Moritz finally felt he could say something  “ah.. Hopefully one th-that isn’t so strict and let us choose where we want to sit for now on.” 

 

“Yeah that would be cool, hopefully a teacher that gives us some creative freedom.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous Melchi, we go to a religious private school.” 

Melchior cracks a gentle smile.

 

Moritz caught himself smiling lightly back. It felt like the olds days alright, like nothing truly happened. He thought to himself that maybe everything will be fine, no one knows right? No one can know. The teacher finally enters the classroom, and Moritz’s and Melchiors prayers where answered yes. She let them choose where they wanted to sit, and she seemed pretty nice, compared to the other teachers of their school.

The day went on and surprising enough, Moritz and Melchior were in one more classes together. Latin. Which was more like religious studies than anything else. Oh god how melchior dreaded that class. But their was someone who dreaded it more and that was Moritz. Although they did have most of the old gang in that class lucky. hanschen Rilow, Ernst Robel, and Ilse Neumann. It was nerve wracking seeing them and saying “Hi” But they just acted like how they usually did. It seems they never change much.

After class it was lunch and Melchior and the gang asked Moritz if he wants to go eat lunch with them. Outside on the picnic tables by  their school. When Melchior “Asked” Him it wasn’t a “Hey you wanna join us?” it was more like “Let's go moritz” like it was common sense that he would come with, but I guess in his case it was. 

 

They all casually sat down at the picnic table and started talking like they did last school year. Moritz felt almost out of place, he wasn’t speaking, only if he was spoken too, but then again he always even with his closest friends been quite, and more observant. Old habits die hard. Melchior though as unreadable at times he is, was always glancing toward him. So much so that even Moritz noticed. He would get little anxiety attacks like 

 

“Oh my god do I have something on my face.” or “I’m being too quiet, too suspiciously quiet”

Out of fabricated panic he spoke up and asked a sudden question

“Where is Wendla?”

Suddenly the whole table became quit, moritz felt heat reach his face, it was so embarrassing for him to randomly speak up like that, and ask such a random question, but he couldn't help it either

He had been thinking all day long about how Melchior and Wendla are dating, though he had only heard this information through Ilsa who wrote him text one day in the summer “Spilling the tea” as she calls it. 

Melchior looked at him in a confused manner. And Moritz felt more self-conscious than ever

“Probably hanging out with Thea, or Martha, why the sudden interest?” Melchior raised his eyebrow. 

“Ah! Melchior honestly how can you be so casual like that, you act like you never even kissed her!”

Ilsa says out of nowhere

Moritz just sat there stunned as if he had been hit by lightning he wasn’t really sure what they were talking about, but he swallowed back his nerves and said “Well I’m just asking cus.. Well Ilsa told m-me that you and Wendla were dating so I thought ma-maybe she would come and join us.” He mumbled 

“And she didn’t tell you that we broke up?” Melchior mused at Ilsa 

Ilsa just smiles “Well The whole thing was so dramatic, I thought it would stress out my dear Moritz.” 

Everyone lets out a light chuckle, expect for of course Moritz.  _ The one in the dark _

“Really? Why did you guys break up?” He asked curiously

“Ahh nothing too big Moritz, it was a summer fling is all.”

Hanschen laughs “Hardly! You guys seemed quite infatuated with each other.”

Ernst elbowed him lightly to indicate to “Cut it out.” 

Melchior’s gaze becomes a little sad. Which hardly ever happens in Moritz’s experience. Melchior never had his heart on his sleeve he was good at maintaining his ground, though he says he never suppresses things. Moritz knew that some things he clearly does. 

Moritz just looked down and mumbled “It’s alright you don’t have to tell.”

In a way he almost sounded hurt, if Melchior even noticed. After lunch moritz went to his next class. He felt throughout the day after that conversation at lunch, disgusted with myself. That was because he innerly felt relieved that Melchior and Wendla were broken up. He didn’t want to feel this way but he did, which only confused him more. He felt like a terrible friend.

 

It was the end of the day and Moritz was relieved it was over, he experienced more stress then he should by just trying to seem as normal as possible amongst his friends, but even that becomes depressing. 

His mind is cloudy, so is the sky. He wants to see the sunset before he goes to sleep, feel the late summer air leave him. He would rather take the long way home riding through the fields, trying to forget about his distant memories of those touches, the guilt, the feeling of metal against his head. He wanted to feel that fleeting wind coming toward him. Sadly

_ His bike was gone. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter hopefully well be more exciting, honestly I have no clue how to write Melchior, (I'm working on it.) Also Moritz seems a little to stressed maybe? who knows  
> Hopefully next chapter won't take to long to write, (I'm lazy)


	3. Change: I Don't Believe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again.. me trying my best to capture what kind of character Melchior is going to be. and failing. I'm telling you know that his flaws will appear real soon. 
> 
> I fix grammar later ._.

Suddenly Moritz was hyper-aware of his surroundings he panics _yes very much so_ , he scratches his messy hair, he wipes his forehead, “ _yes definitely, I’m dead_.” it was an old bike, but he still worried, to know what his father might say.

“ _And here I am again worrying about what he might think.”_

He can feel his hand become clammy, he might also look strange just standing there with no reaction.

He felt helpless

Until a voice called out his name in surprise

“Moritz?”

“Melchior!” Moritz jumped

“You look as pale as a ghost” he chuckles

Moritz inverted his eyes to the bike stand

And in a almost too calm tone replied

“Someone stole my bike”  
“Really! Your old one? Who would steal that thing?” he teases

Moritz surprisingly laugh lightly at that remark, but still continues on the fact that his comment wasn’t funny

“What am I going to do? What should I do? Melchi?”

“ I say forget that old death trap, I find it good that it was stolen, it’s about time. That thing tried to kill you more then once you know.”

“Oh yeah like when we were in the sevens grade... em well I guess I’ll walk home and face my father.”

Moritz swallowed back his fear, he knew that he wouldn't be able to find the person who did this anyway, he wasn’t about to try, too stressful. And maybe Melchior was right,

_Good riddance to that rusty memory._

Melchior offered to walk with him since they live close to each other, _It’s a small town after all._

Moritz felt hesitant but they would be walking the same way anyway. And innerly he longed to relive the memories of them walking home after school together. Moritz freaking out about something or another, asking odd questions or thinking mournful ideas. Melchior lecturing how the school system is broken, how religion is ridiculous, always passionately talking about things that even Melchior didn’t know much about. Moritz loved listening and always tried to understand where Melchior was coming from, questioned him at times but not often, he wonders how it would be if Melchior knew that he had more Ideas and opinions that he led on.

Melchior was used to Moritz being quiet.. He used to be much more spastic and louder when he was fourteen, but something changed

 

_They both.. didn’t know what_

 

As they walk without saying a word  for at least ten minutes, Moritz glances at his friend a couple of times. He doesn’t know if it was his face or just the silence itself that was saying “Hey I would really want to know what between you and Wendla!” Because Melchior finally breaks this uncomfortable silence. And says

“So I’m guessing you want to know why Wendla and I broke up?”

Moritz lights up

“Oh.. ahh-only if you want to talk about it.”

Melchior lets out a genuine chuckle

“ it’s fine you goof, how long have I known you Moritz? Ten years?”

Melchior could tell that Moritz felt more comfortable now, it was the right choice of words. He had a knack of picking the _right choice of words_

“Wendla and I, we really liked each other, I mean we got close.. Real close, we even well slept together.”

Moritz was taken back by the sudden confession. But continued to listen to his friend

“I guess her parents didn’t like the idea of us dating or whatever, that was part of it. And maybe some people can like each other, but ultimately do not work out..”

“So you b-broke up with her?”

Melchior gave a calm yet sad look

“Nah.. she broke up with me.”

Moritz could not believe it for one second. Melchior was always a ladies man, he would hardly think that any girl would break up with him. They admired him. Or maybe that was the problem, they saw what they wanted to see. A handsome, smart. Witty young man. They would be so blinded by that image that they would not realize that Melchior has a lot of flaws. Flaws that Moritz knows a lot about..

“Ohh I’m sorry.” He says gently with a voice crack

“ It’s fine. I really liked her. If I had to be honest I was quite upset. But I know that I’m not perfect, and I guess she was just too perfect for me..” Melchior gives a light laugh. And nudges Moritz

Indicating that everything is fine

“But you are still friends?”

“Yes! Indeed, we are much better friends than lovers.”

He teases

Moritz cracks a small smile. “Well I’m sorry was wasn’t there to witness your heartbreak.”

“It would have been a mess.”

They both chuckle lightly

“Well I’m sure that she won’t be the only girl to waltz into your life. Love sure does “love” following you.”

Melchior was surprised of how witty Moritz was being, cracking these jokes it made him feel like he was becoming more comfortable with him, and that's what he was hoping for.

But all good things have to end for Melchior response left an empty feeling within Moritz’s stomach.

 

“ _Well, I don’t think I believe in love that much.”_

 

With that there was once again that uncomfortable silence, he could swear that Melchior noticed the shift as well, and looked guilty in a saddle way. But their steps finally lead them to Moritz’s house and they said their goodbyes. Moritz felt light, like all of this is just a strange dream. Or even that his past was all a strange dream and this was reality. When he entered his house, he was glad his father was still not home, he’d rather skip the formality today, hell he’d rather skip the whole dinner process if he could. He ran up the stairs to his room and slammed the door. He felt as if during the day, he convinced himself that everything was going pretty well, but then he looked back at himself, and started cringing of how naive he was, so out of touch. He wanted to go back when he was at middle school. Where girls were girls and the boys where boys, too shy to speak to one another, to young to understand. But at the same time all he remembers is his first wet-dream. His confusion. Melchior’s mocking laugh,

_His touch._

Moritz personally could not take it anymore. He laid there looking up to his ceiling. He didn’t want to take a nap, for the fear of having strange dreams was a tiring thought. And finally his father came home.. Moritz felt like he could never get a break.

 

Melchior’s words echoed through his head all night. “What the hell does he mean he doesn’t believe in love?” He had no idea why this bothered him so much but it did. It made him angry, and the same time he felt pitiful. Like he was trying to find an answer to an impossible question. He didn’t want this. He never asked for this. This indescribable feeling that he gets when he sees his best friend. The feeling he gets when he is alone with his past, remembering that relieving feeling of knowing that all of this might end. It was like his empty pit of existence was always catching up to him. Every time he wakes up, every time he talks to his father. Every time he is doing his homework and still can figure out the answer. Every single time Melchior greets him in the morning. He closed his eyes, and once again he was hunted by a pair of woman's legs. Which oddly mid-dream turned into a vision of Melchior's smile.

 

Birds were chirping by his window a ray of sunlight peers through his room. It was morning and what a morning indeed. Mornings like this Moritz Stiefel hated more then anything more the he hated himself. And that was waking up hard. One thing about having wet-dreams is that either you wake up and everything is already solid, or you're just getting there.

Like lightning he runs to the bathroom and takes a cold-shower, this routine was almost too common for his liking. Though he knew he wasn’t late for school now, his erection woke him up much too early for his health, but he’d rather do this, then. Well ”take care of it” the fear of thinking about... strange things about his dreams would make him not just feel guilty beyond belief, but a terrible friend as well.  

His whole body felt sensitive by any touch. He was whimpering to himself, he hated being like this. Frankly he was too tired and too cranky too feel horny. Even thinking about the word  ”Horny” made his skin crawl he hated the word.

 

Eventually he calmed down. Got out of the shower got dressed and ate breakfast.

His father gave him a stern look, and Moritz felt fear creep within him.

“Oh shit! Oh no! Did he find out about the bike?” he thought to himself in panic.

Luckily his father only said “Remember Moritz Church is on Sundays, so no matter what plans you have made, you are going.”

Though moritz hated going to church. He was utterly relieved that, it was not about the bike. He was hoping his father wouldn’t notice until he has moved out. Which was highly unlikely

 

His day was average to say the least, same old, same old. Moritz having a panic attack, Melchior making witty remarks about the school system, Ilza doing something out of the ordinary. Hans flirting with everybody but Ernst to make him jealous, Moritz assumes. Though Moritz did feel a bit agitated by this morning. Because he hates this everlasting confusion. That faded slowly as the day went by.

 

A week and five days goes by, and suddenly everything is starting to feel more relaxed. Kinda like the old days. But still his father's shadows lurking in the corner of Moritz Stiefel’s mind. He started studying again with Melchior after school, as soon as he heard that there will be a test in the end of the week in latin and math. There was only one thing to do and that was study with his best friend. In English though he wasn’t too worried.

Moritz started to feel like nothing ever happened, even his haunting dreams started to calm down as well. Or maybe it was all the sleep medication he was taking. But a perfect life was never made for our young protagonist of this story. Therefore drama must pursue.

 

It was Friday at lunchtime when Moritz was asked by Melchior to come with him to Hanschen’s party. It was also that same afternoon that Moritz said “No” to Melchior's request.

 

“Moritz! Come on, It will be fun I promise!”  
“I don’t know Melchior.. You know me. Me plus parties equals disaster”

Melchor gave him a sincere look

“Moritz, we are sixteen know. Nothing could go wrong. Moderately.”

Moritz sighs knowing that eventually he will give in. but with his dear life he tried his best to be stubborn

“Plus I will be there... And Ilsa well be there.” He winked at Moritz as if that Ilsa being there was supposed to lure him to the party.

Moritz rolled his eyes not wanting to know why Melchior thinks that he has a crush on Ilsa. He did once in middle school, but that was so _long ago._

Melchior poked his rib cage and it made him jump a bit.

He gave that unrelenting smirk, that drove Moritz crazy some days, and numb others

He sighed with defeat “Fine”

Melchior gave  Hanschen a thumbs up across the room, didn’t make a difference, he seemed unimpressed

 

“But, yo-you have to promise me that you will not wander off and get laid the minute I turn away.”

 

“Aww, that hurts Moritz.” He said teasingly.

 

Melchior ruffled his friends hair. “You can’t deny nature taking it’s course my old friend. If the universe says I must get laid. I can’t go against it.”

 

Everything seems to be fine. But in Moritz’s mind he was falling down a deep dark pit of anxieties. A party is a party, his father can’t find out of course. Also what will he wear? And how should he act? Hopefully it won’t be too wild for him.

_“But knowing my luck.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh oh. party time lil Moritz. Will these two finally kiss jesus christ  
> I don't know cus i love taking my sweet ass time.
> 
> Do you think Hansy can throw a bomb party? also stop playin and start flirting with Ernst jeez


	4. A party: Hell is kissing the night breeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moritz + Party = a living nightmare. For our young protagonist Moritz Stiefel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, done!! This was the most fun one to write, also hellish to write. but hey that's story telling for ya, (If you can even consider this a story..)  
> I will fix mistakes later.  
> I have no clue how many chapters this fic will be, i didn't really plan it. maybe 4 or 3 more left idk. Enjoy

Parties were not Moritz’s strong point. They were loud , crowded. Stuffy. And full of bad decisions waiting to happen. So it was obvious that he was less than pleased to be going on a Friday night to a high school party. Hosted by the one and only Hanschin Riow. If he had to be completely honest he never truly had one lasting conversation with the blonde. Actually Hans used to pick on him a bit back in middle school. Though he had changed over the years. He still had this odd attitude about things. He was smart like Melchior, and opinionated too. But unlike his best friend. He mostly kept it to himself and only spoke out in disagreement when he truly needed too. Hans knew when to rock the boat in the right time. With teachers, adults,  anybody. Though when it came to his “closer” friends. Like Melchior, Ernst, Martha, and Ilsa. he was much more.. Well expressive

 

Nonetheless Moritz was going to this god forsaken party whether he wanted to or not. He already told Melchior that he would go. And he would feel awfully bad if he bailed out now, since everything was now going so well with  all of them. Though he had one problem,  he didn’t know what to wear. Or what to expect. Melchior lucky was coming over to his house soon,  to help him get ready and so they both can walk there together. _They all lived to close._

 

Melchior was walking to Moritz’s house. The air was fresh and still warm he can feel that autumn was near, and he was going to miss those blissful sunny summer days. Melchior in truth was not a big fan of winter, everything dying around him, he felt more free when everything was blooming and alive, _living._

With his hands in his pockets. He walked casually to his best friend’s house. He was wearing regular jeans and a gray t-shirt with a brown cardigan on. His curly brown hair still sort of damp from the shower he had before getting ready. Melchior had also been feeling out of place when it came to Moritz when they finally saw each other again when school started. He was much more better hiding his discomfort then Moritz was, Moritz made it transparent. Though that doesn’t bother him now as much as it did. All summer long he felt the need to contact him as any normal friend does, but he never got himself to do it. Even Ilsa talked to him, which in a way made him bothered for some reason. Melchior missed Moritz during summer vacation, to Moritz that might have been not apparent. He wondered too if Moritz felt the same.. _Maybe not_

Infact Moritz was never one to be good at hiding his fears and emotions, he always had his heart on his sleeve.. Well

_At least that’s what he thought.._

 

Melchior finally arrived at Moritz place and knocked on the door. Moritz’s father answered. He looked stern as always “ _God, does this man ever smile?”_ Melchior thought to himself.

“Melchior Gabor”

He stiffly said

“Yes.. sir?”

They both stared for a moment until Melchior looked away

“He is up stares”

Melchior entered.

He opened his best friend's door, just to see him lying on the ground covering his eyes with his arm, with weird combinations of clothing on.

“Do I want to know what you are doing?”

Moritz sighs and slides his arm away from his eyes to look at his childhood friend

“I kinda left myself to die picking out what to wear”

Melchior laughed for a moment and then stopped abruptly, which startled Moritz

Moritz picked himself up “How do you do it Melchior? I mean how do you look cool without even trying?”

“What? He chuckles “Oh Moritz do you want me to help?”

Moritz looks embarrassed that Melchior was always there rescuing him like a damsel in distress, he was rather getting sick of being hopeless.

“Please”

So Melchior picked out some natural looking clothing for Moritz and told him to try it on.

After ten minutes or so Moritz was finally ready with the help of Melchior, he had  rolled up jeans on with a bottom up shirt he never knew he owned. Moritz was worried about his hair and the bags under his eyes but Melchior thought he looked alright, plus he didn’t want to be too late for the party. So they both bolted out of the house, which was mostly Moritz’s idea since he didn't want his dad to ask too many questions.

 

Melchior intently was watching Moritz as they were walking to the party, how he was fiddling with his shirt.

“Do you really think I don’t look half dead?”

“Moritz you are a walking talking zombie dork, and you just have to expect it.”

Melchior smiled but Moritz didn’t return it. The younger one sighed

“Moritz you look completely fine..”

Moritz: .....

“You could even consider yourself cute infact.” he said teasingly.

Moritz: !!!!!

His eyes winded

“Ha ha really funny Melchi, is it really a compliment calling a guy cute?”

“I thought so.. All the girls that like a guy usually say that they are “Cute”

Moritz coughs in disbelieve

They were quiet for the rest of the way to the house, Moritz felt shy after that comment for some reason, he was getting light headed thinking about it, he didn’t quite know why he was feeling this way.. _“What’s the big deal? He just called you cute nothing else.. He was joking..”_

They were outside the entrance to Hans’s raging house party he could hear things already getting broken and people getting hammered. The nervous wreck also known as Moritz Stiefel and this point was dreading even considering coming here, and yet here he was.

“I know that look on your face Moritz. No worries I won’t leave alone”

Moritz gave a “Your a leir Melchior” look

“Not for too long at least.” Melchior patted his friends back, he opened the door to the jungle that was called Hanschen’s party.

 

Now there are some ground rules that Melchior had always said when it comes to parties.

Number one: if you wanna survive dance your way though the situation

Number two: always make sure if you drink that someone sober will drive you/walk you back home.

Number three: only talk to someone if they are in the same alcohol level as you, don’t want to cause any misunderstandings

Number four: lie lie lie

Number five: puke only in toilet not in a vase.

 

There were much more rules to come with those, but those were the ones that Moritz could remember through the loud pounding music, and the heat of the room. After about 20 seconds walking into what one could only explain as hell on earth , Moritz Stiefel had already lost his best pal Melchior Gabor. This was also the point where Moritz panic went up the roof he speed walks  through plenty of people and lands in the kitchen where he sees Henschan smoking a cigarette.

“Well hello Moritz.” he says in his typical unenthusiastic tone

“Hi... Have you seen Melchi anywhere?”

“I haven’t.” he took a long drag of his cigarette “If I may ask what are you doing here Moritz? It’s unlike you to step even near my house when the word party is being thrown around.”

“You don’t like me much do you Hanshen..”

“On the contrary Moritz I have nothing against you, yes you can be a bit annoying, and your constant self-loathing does irritate me, and your painfully obvious affection for Melchior is honestly so demeaning on your character it truly hurts...”

Moritz look embarrassed,  Hans could tell that Moritz was going to deny the last part in any second now, so he cut him off.

“But!”

Moritz mouth shuts. Looks at him with worried eyes

“You're only the product of your own fear I suppose.” he spoke in a forced friendly tone

He grabbed a beer from his ice containers and throw one at Moritz

“Catch”

Moritz caught the beer in confusion

“Might as well drink Moritz. You have a reason too.”

And with that Ernst comes into ketchen “Hey hans, you wanted to talk?”

“Yeah. come on let's dance he extended his hand toward him and he accept. They both walk out to the living room dance party that was happening. Moritz was baffled how confident Hans was with his sexuality. It’s not very easy in a small close-minded town for someone to be this open. He is very low key when it comes to school. Who wouldn’t be? Ernst had not one ounce of hesitance going  with him. He thought Hanchen was quite a harsh human being, but for some reason even though he bullied him a little bit through middle school he could not bring himself to hate him. He admired his confidence, though he got Melchior and Moritz in quite a bit of trouble back then because of it. In a way Melchior is a lot like him, expect where Hanchen’s flaw is cynicism, Melchior's was lack of responsibility.

_He knew the difference._

And so he opened the beer can and took a sip, he wasn’t keen on alcohol, but at this point he had already given up for all hope that he could survive this sober.

two hours went by and sometimes Moritz and Melchior meetup and talked, Melchior mentioned to him that he wasn’t drinking because he wants to be “the sober” one in the party, just in case people need to be a walked home. This was very unlike Melchior. _Almost too kind?_ Moritz thought. But he knew in the pit of his stomach that Melchior was probably staying sober to observe, his fellow classmates and have some dirt on them.  And then like a flash Melchior was dragged elsewhere, Melchior  Luckily Ilsa showed up and kept her friend company, even if she can sometimes be not the best influence.

“Here Moritz have more to drink.”

Ilsa handed him some shots of vodka.

Ilsa usually wasn’t well “This” irresponsible. But she was a little drunk, and her logic for giving Moritz more to drink was  “ _Moritz needs to let loose and go wild, that booooooy deserves it!”_

Moritz got drunk quite quickly to her surprise. He was a light weight

 

Now Moritz when drunk, is quite.. Well, giggly. Loving. Overall, much more open. And today was the day that this was discovered, for this was the first time he ever got drunk. Moritz felt dizzy and lightheaded but full of power. Ilsa and him just had strange conversations. And After ten minutes or so she left for a second to see what Hans was up too.

Moritz just leaned against the wall all giddy and giggly. When Melchior showed up beside him

“Moritz?” Melchior laughs

“Are you drunk?”

“What?! ME! Absurd, just feeeeling kind-a tipsy.”

He dragged his words like a dead body

“Better get you home.” Melchior sighed

“Not so fast pretty boy” Ilsa gleefully said

“The gang and I are playing spin the bottle in living room. You have to come and join us.”

she made her voice high  pitched in that last word.

“Yessss” Moritz said with a giggle

“We must Join.” he dragged

Melchior looked unsure, but he thought this might be interesting at least to observe, he you can also never disagree with the idea of kissing pretty girls. So this was a give in

 

_“Okay, let's do it.”_

 

They all were sitting around a circle, some class-mates were there. Ernst, George, Hans of course. “Martha. Thea, otto, even Wendla was there and some other people. Some spins and kisses already went. Ernst kissed Thea. Marthe kissed Wendla. Ilsa kissed Henschan. And so on..

Finally it was Moritz’s turn to spin the bottle. Moritz span the bottle clumsy, and in some sort of joke that god was pulling on him the bottle pointed sharply exactly at Melchior. Everyone made a dooming sound as a joke, and Melchior laughed.

You could clearly see that any sense that was still left in Moritz was very flustered. But he was also too drunk to fear anything. He had this thought which was _“Well this might as well happen.”_  They both looked at eachother for a moment, then Moritz shifted closer to Melchior. And suddenly their eyes meet and they both go for the kiss. Moritz went into this kiss mid -laugh but then when their lips finally touched, he went silent. It only lasted five second, but oh boy did those five seconds feel strange. There was a bit of movement, but Melchior could tell that Moritz was either to drunk to know what he was doing, or that he was just a very clumsy kisser. He expect a bit of both. Melchior felt a rather strange sensation in the pit of his stomach, the kiss made him sweat and feel confused, five seconds was enough to make him think a whole book's worth of stuff.  Moritz released his kiss with laugh, laughing with Ilsa. But Melchior was for a moment just sitting there. You couldn’t read his face or what he was thinking, but he looked confused. Hans noticed.

Hanschen who was right beside him, snapped him out of it with a flick.

And couple more spins go. And Melchior tried his best to keep good conversation with Wendla. But _he couldn't quite think straight_.

_“I must be tried.”_

So picks himself up and crouches down where Moritz is and whispers

“Moritz let's go it’s getting quite late.”

“He looked at him dazed and smiled. “Al-right”

“Well guess we are off”

A bunch of them awed but before they could go and tackle them both Melchior grabbed Moritz and escape out of there.

 

It was 2AM, and the night air was fresh and smelled pure. The breeze rustled the trees that made a comforting sound. Street lamps were on illuminating the dark streets. Mortz was stumbling around so much that Melchior had to hold his hand. Moritz would mumble some things to Melchior but they were always to quiet for him to understand.

Moritz puked more than once on the way to Melchior’s home. The throwing up would always end making him crouch down for a minute and cry. Melchior had to calm him to stand back up again.

“Moritz take my hand you're going to trip.”

Moritz eagerly grabs his friends hand looking quite grim from his nousa

“Are-we Going back?” He mumbled

“If you mean back to my house, yes.”

“Gooood.. My father would kill me if he saw me.”

“I’m sure he wouldn't”

Moritz laughs abruptly which straddled Melchior. He didn’t know what to think of that responds

They finally arrive at the younger male's house. His mother and father was dead asleep by now so he wasn’t worried about them. He dragged Moritz into his house.

Melchior help him out his his shoes and he quietly led Moritz up the stairs.

“Now quietly Moritz”

Moritz tiptoed with a mocking expression.

“Don’t you dare laugh.” Melchior whispered.

 

Melchior closed his door and Moritz was leaning against the wall. Looking and Melchior in a very odd expression that Melchior had never seen him do before. His eyes were calm, and his face was gentle. Like he had no worry in the word.

“Melchior...”

“Yes?”

Moritz inched closer to his best friend which made Melchior in some bizarre way nervous.

Then he sighed. And poked him on the cheek. bursting in a fit of giggles. “Moritz you need som----

He was cut of with Moritz lips that was crashing into his own. He kissed passionately without any breath. And in Melchior’s surprise he was kissing him back. His eyes were closed, Melchior  could feel his friend sigh against the kiss like a sigh on some sort of relief.  But then Moritz released and started crying grabbing Melchior’s shoulders and dragging him to sit on the floor with him as he was burying his face on his shoulder. Panting crying, repeating “Sorry” “I’m so sorry”

 

Melchior in shook just patted him on his back. Wrapping slowing his arms around his drunk friend. “Shh.. It’s okay Moritz.” worried that his parents might wake up.

 _“How will I ever look at my father?”_ He mumbled into his shirt. Melchior felt powerless, he also felt like a sting pierced his heart. Holding him there. Kissing him. All of it was too much for him. But there he was grasping the concept that Melchior never wanted to understand, which made him fear and panic.

“ _Love”_

 

Eventually they both fell asleep holding Moritz, sitting against the wall.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happen in the morning? more like how Will Moritz deal with his realization if his sexuality? Also Melchior's fear of love.
> 
> I know there is a lot of spin the bottle fics. where else did you think I copied the idea from? jeez lol. yay for being lazy


	5. Restless night: The bitch of living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melchior + Feelings = drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was fun writing this!! if it seems sorta rushed that's because I lost my will to live. just kidding. anyway I still don't know how to write Melchior rip.  
> ALSO I WILL BE FIXING GRAMMAR LATER ON, I KNOW THERE IS LOTS OF MISTAKES.
> 
> Please feel free to comment, I would really like to know if you guys are liking this mess of a story.

 

Eventually Melchior did wake up with pain in his back in the middle of the night, he gently carried Moritz onto his bed. Melchior was too tired to be self-conscious about anything, that is way it was so easy for him to lie beside his friend without any discomfort. Not that he ever was uncomfortable. They would often when Moritz stayed the night, sleep in the same bed. It wasn’t a big deal, they knew each other for ten years, so it shouldn’t be a big deal.

_It wasn’t_

Melchior was tried yes, but couldn't bring himself to fall back asleep. Moritz was lying on his side facing Melchior, He could feel Moritz breathing right beside him, Melchior stared at Moritz and observed every single movement, that moritz would make when sleeping.

 _“Oh god this is creepy”_ he suddenly thought to himself when he realized what he was doing, but he couldn't help it for some reason. His stomach turned in knots, and he felt all self-exposed. Everytime he would think about that sloppy kiss, he would try to just make it seem like a horrible kiss that happened between them, but he just couldn't. Butterflies started to form in his stomach, when he heard Moritz sigh beside, quickly seeing if he was waking up. _He wasn’t_

 _“Wonder what he’s dreaming about?”_  Melchior caught himself smiling.

_“Melchior snap out of it! He is your best friend, nothing more nothing less.”_

Melchior glanced at the time seeing how early it was. Frustrated that he couldn’t sleep. Now he could hear Moritz lightly snoring like an idiot. He felt embarrassment when he started to think that his friends snores were kinda cute. _“Ahhh! Whats wrong with me?”_

But alas, he didn’t fight it as much anymore, which made it easier for him to relax. He had a soft spot for Moritz, everyone always said so. He didn’t think that was a bad thing.

_Was it?_

He felt insecure about his own judgments now, like he didn’t know if the thoughts in his head were right compared with his feelings. Moritz and him were always inseparable. In the past. Sure he had sometimes out of curiosity pondered how it might feel to kiss him. “ _But that’s it! Curiosity that's all this is. This can’t be anything else, love is not real.”_  He correct himself, “ _Moritz was drunk, and I am tried. Believing in love is for fools, it never got anyone anywhere, Romeo and Juliet died because of it!”_ after he confronted himself with this thought, he felt extremely guilty. He didn’t know why, which worried him, since he thought he had all the answers. He sighed and peered in Moritz direction.

He noticed how afraid he looks even when he is asleep.

Moritz wasn’t graceful one bit, wasn’t strong, wasn’t very bright when it came to school work, was horrible at Latin. Was over anxious, clumsy, dramatic, and dorky. He wasn’t in any means Ideal, or naturally popular. But.. He was Moritz, a lovable goof, a soulful person, that never tried to be anything else, not in Melchior’s eyes. He started to feel this deep melancholy, it was a full moon out, making the mood feel like light whispers. The calm lighting of the moon shining through his open window, reminded him of a night he couldn't really get out of his head, the night he heard a gunshot, from not far ahead. A warm night with gentle breeze. First a gun, then running, whimpers in the darkness, he was an atheist. But not even him could doubt this chance. Holding his unconscious childhood in his arms. Crying for help, yearning for help, he never dialed for help faster in his life. His friends pale skin under the cloudless night. The sound of sirens. Shivering until daylight. Hearing that he was alright. Not saying goodbye when summer came. Dreaming of him, seeing him. Feeling him, without knowing it.

 

_It wasn’t the sound of the gunshot that he was terrified of, it was not being there that did.”_

  


The sun rises, birds chirping away like a fairy tale, expect Moritz had such a bad hangover, that he was regretting every moment of his existence, his head pounding like a drum he felt sick, and to make things worse Melchior was sleeping beside him, his eyes opened completely when he realized this, he remembered all the time they had sleepovers, and they would share a bed, it wasn’t a big deal. But Moritz could hear his heart pounding out of his chest, he got a little to excited. And then all at once

 _Like a lightning bolt_  

Moritz remembered the two kisses he shared with Melchior last night. He cringed rubbed his eyes hoping this was all a nightmare, but it wasn’t, he felt hot, unsure. Most of all embarrassed that he was acting like such a fool, though he can’t remember everything clearly, he knew that he kissed him while playing spin the bottle.

 _“Ah, and then Melchior walked me home.. So kind...”_  he slapped himself, hoping the pain would   wake him up to reality.

 _“And then when I kissed him again.... Again... AH! WHY DID I KISS HIM AGAIN?! WHAT WAS I THINKING?”_  he felt that Melchior was shifting around maybe waking up. _“Then I cried and he was trying to confront me by holding me and.”_  Moritz turns to see Melchios face, seeing how long his eyelashes are, his brown curly hair, his almost perfect skin, his face that as girls said in middle school “Like young Alexander. _Whatever that meant._ He was breathing gently, he looked tired. Moritz heart felt calm now, he could always find himself lost with thought of his best friend. _“You're not making it easy for me Melchi..”_  Melchior shifts some more and yawns, which made Moritz quickly pretend that he just woke up as well. Which made him remember the pain that was pounding his head. _“I want to die”_  

Melchior opens his eyes and sits up on his bed. Rubbing his eyes. Stretching. He notices that Moritz is awake as well just that he was covering his face with blanket. “So I’m guessing you are experiencing a painful hangover?

Moritz mumbled in the blanket

“I feel like death” Melchior chuckles

I’ll google some remedies if you like, I also have headache medication.

Moritz could feel the “Your suffering, and it's kinda funny.” vibe from the way he was musing through his words.

Melchior stood up and stretched his back, he could still feel that wall they fell asleep on from last night.

“Well Moritz if you like you can take a shower, or we can go down stairs and eat some breakfast?” Moritz just groaned under the blanket in pain. Well halfy the pain the other half from embarrassment from last nights events. Melchior rolled his eyes and sighed

“Come on, you can’t stay in my bed forever.”

No response

“Okay well if you're going to live on my bed there must be some ground rul-”

He was cut off from Moritz picking himself up right away like a he was rising from the dead. That whole comment in itself made Moritz feel even more flustered with himself. He quickly looked away from his friend and just mumbled like an idiot while experiencing massive amounts of pain. “I think my father wants me home anyway, so i’ll just go..” his eyes were burning from the light peering through the window. He felt like he was in some sort of inner crisis. He knew he probably looked like shit, he felt like it. And even though Melchior looked quite tired. He still looked like some sort of prince from a fairy tale _“That bastard”_  

Melchior felt confused by his friend's sudden need to leave. Moritz wasn’t a good liar, but he wasn’t going to force him to stay. _“Very odd”_ Melchior thought to himself. He was always the one to read people and figure out their motives, but bizarrely enough his best friend, seemed to be unreadable today. Yes indeed he is lying but why? These thoughts brought him back to last night, and the feeling of Moritz’s lips against his. Which in return made him nervous.

Melchior coughed “Well Alight you dork, you wanna borrow some sun glasses so your eyes to hurt when you walk home?”

Ah.. yes that would be good.”

They both head down stares. Melchior's mother was out drinking tea with friends as she did on Saturdays. Moritz clumsily put on his shoes and Melchior handed him his sun glasses. Moritz opens the door but stops himself.

“Melchior..”

“Yes?”

Moritz directly looks into his friend's eyes. Which made Melchior swallow hard

“Thank you” with tried smile, Moritz didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry looking so intently into his friend's eyes saying such a cheesy thing. He walked out the door and turned to wave good bye. And went off.

Melchior felt his heart skip a beat when Moritz simply just said “Thank you” _“Thank you for what?”_

Even so, he felt uncomfortable how his friend he knew for years, this dorky, clumsy,and ridiculous dork. Made him feel so.

 _“Strange_ ”

 

Moritz was proud of himself to actually have the mental stability to look at Melchior despite all the things that happened. To him Melchior didn’t seem so distressed, it mustn’t have been a big deal for him, besides he was his best friend, Melchior must feel as if that all of this is pretty funny, and he will tease him about it when the weekend is over. It was a comforting thought that Melchior wasn’t disgusted by him, but at the same time he secretly longed for Melchior too be as confused as he was, so he didn’t feel so alone. And at night when there is no way of him catching any sleep, he imagines how it would be like being with Melchior. _“I hate this”_  I didn’t want to admit to himself that he was in love with him, but what else could it be?

Moritz was happy that the day wasn’t too hot, and he was glad that he had sunglasses on, the sun surely would have made him acted like a vampire.

 

That day when he arrived at home he took a shower and went back to bed, he wasn’t looking forward to church tomorrow. Before it got to dark he want for a walk near a little shopping district. He walked passed a shop he had never been in, seeing free pamphlets saying “LGBTQ+” He never dared picking one up for himself. But today it was different.

He wanted to understand himself, to know who he was, it didn’t have to be right away. He just wanted to know more, so he can be less ashamed. If his father found out he had one he surely would be beaten. At night when his father was sleeping, he went through the pamphlet,

Ever since middle school he was afraid of who he was because of his father.

 

_“I don’t want to be confused anymore.”_

 

That night he had rose colored dreams of his best friend

_Life is a bitch_

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read this please. The LGBTQ+ pamphlet thing, is me setting up some overly dramatic station in this fic so don't question it to much. Also you might be asking "Why doesn't he just google?" well I'll explain that in the next chapter hopefully. 
> 
> Well Melchior ever suck it up and let himself fall in love?  
> Well Moritz open up with his friends and find support?  
> Well there be lots of cringy moments next time yes!!!
> 
> Feel free to comment


	6. Pamphlet: This is fine..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moritz is having a hard time acting cool around Melchior, and he might have lost something very important. Ilsa knows all. and to make things worse.. There is going to be a school dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! indeed I love taking my sweet ass time!! I will fix grammar later on.  
> This was kinda rushed, even though it took me quite long to write it. Busy you know? school and stuff. Hoping this fic will be done in a few chapters or so..  
> my plot is becoming stupider and stupider as the chapters go on, so bare with me ;)
> 
> PLEASE! Feel free to comment!

On Sunday Moritz went to church with his father, it wasn’t all that bad, but he did feel out of place, like god was watching him, judging him. If Melchior could see him now he would tease him for being too naive to think that god exist. But living with his father it was hard not to have those old fears. He didn’t sleep very well he was peering through that pamphlet feeling quite self-aware. All his neighbors were at the church even Wendla and her parents. He wondered if Wendla after being with Melchior even still truly believed in this stuff.

When Sunday mass finally ended. They were all outside the church mingling for a good five minutes before getting back. Surprisingly Wendla was the one that approached Moritz.

“Hey Moritz” she giggled

“Oh.. Hi Wendla”

“It’s strange to see you again, I feel like the last time I saw you at church was such a long time ago. Though it was just last spring.” she smiled so genuinely that he couldn’t help but smile too. He had never anything against Wendla, not one bit, even when he felt a bit envious of her during the summer. Hell during their time in middle school and how Melchior looked at her.

Moritz had this sudden urge to be noisy and ask about Melchior, since they seemed to be getting along quite nicely at the party. “ _Oh god the party, she saw the kiss and everything!”_  But not even that stopped Moritz from asking

“So.. You and Melchior.. Were close this summer right?”

She blushed and gave a gentle smile

“Yes”

“Oh sorry to make you feel uneasy about the topic” he quickly mumbled

“No! Not at all!” said Wendla

“I don’t regret being with him, I guess things sometimes just don’t work out.”

Moritz just nodded, he wanted to ask her, her point of view of what happened but he noticed her parents watching her. He felt almost scared of her sake.

“I see.”

Wendla smiled knowing that Moritz sensed why she wasn’t “spilling the tea” as Ilsa aways quotes

“Well Moritz it was wonderful seeing you in one piece and so lifely!”

She beams while walking away

“What do you mean lifely?”

She turns around eagerly, she gives him a knowing smile full of humor

“You look like someone that is in love” she giggles

At that instant he became beat red, and laughed in spite of himself, waving her goodbye.

“ _Okay chill, you are still figuring things out! Oh God! Why do you hate me so?”_

 

Moritz realized that picking up a pamphlet was stupid and searching it up on his computer would have been less stressful. He kept on feeling like he would lose it in any second, or his father would search is room for no reason. So when Monday finally came around he concealed it in his backpack just in case. He didn’t want his father to find it at any means, he knew he would have the constant anxiety if it were even concealed away somewhere in his room, his anxiety would make him believe that his father would somehow stumble across it or even search for something to be mad about.

_“This is fine”_

Having it with him made him feel like he was in control of his anxiety. He went of in the morning feeling quite light and anxious, thinking about Melchior made his heart beat like a drum, thinking about latin studies and math made him want to tear his own skin off. All through math he couldn't help glancing beside him, too Melchior looking intensly at his math. They said hi to each other as usual and Melchior made some sassy remarks about the work. But it was a very quiet and tense, not saying that Melchior had made anything tense between them in any means. Moritz was just making it tense for himself because of how uncomfortable he felt. Everytime he glanced, Melchior would glance back making him turn red and bury his head in the math problems. He could see Melchior in the corner of his eye holding in some sort of chuckle. Likely because he thought Moritz was acting weird like usually. _“He doesn’t understand_ ” why should he? Not like Melchior knew anything about Moritz in turmoil, about his feelings for him. But in the same time he felt as if he was playing some sort of cruel joke on Moritz, he kissed him twice last weekend and it didn’t seem to affect Melchior at the slightest. Which made in return Moritz’s heart ache. He knew that Melchior would never like him that way. But even though he believed this with his whole being. He still hoped in some way it could be possible. “ _How foolish”_

 

It was lunch time and Moritz had decided to try his best and act cool around Melchior, they were all eating lunch at the same usually place, the table outside near their school.

Ilsa could feel something was up with her dear friend Moritz, she could feel it in her bones. She gave him some curious looks but Moritz either only looked confused or completely dismissed them. He himself felt like he was too obvious, to not be discovered. He truly wasn’t, but at the party Hanchen could see it before he could, so who says that Melchior does not see it too. Obviously Ilsa was on too something, and he almost felt compelled to hang out with her alone at lunch talk about it. But embarrassment flooded his brain before any reasonable thoughts could form

“Did you hear there is going to be dance.” Ernst exclaimed.

Moritz Stiffened at the idea

“Really?” Ilsa choked.

Hanshen was hanging by the table so transparently, he was clearly eating lunch with them but often made it seem like he was there against his will. or you could say Ernst’s will. Hanshen scoffed “Yeah some sort of formal dance, they try to make “PG” as possible” he quoted with his fingers. Everyone started to talk about potential dates or whether or not they are going. All that Moritz knew is that he never had a date to a single dance, nor did he ever really enjoy himself when he did go with friends, “ _Alone_ ”

“Melchior I heard that thea likes you why not go with her?”

“She’s one of Wendla’s friends? I don’t think she would break the bro code.” Melchior chuckled “Besides some blonde girl names Jenny asked me if I was going with someone.”

Moritz twished

“Who in gods name is Jenny?” George questioned

“Some girl in yearbook club” he replied

“I know her she is quite populair like mister Melchior over here” Ilsa rolled her eyes. While also seeing this odd expression on Moritz face, it got her to wonder. Ilsa was not a bad person I quote again, but she of course did like to test things so it came to no surprise when she said

“Well Moritz who are you going to ask?”

Moritz looks wide eyed at her like she had just been struck by lightning, he cleared his throat

“Well I don’t know really..” He sensed that Melchior smirked beside him, it made him feel like he was making fun of him.

“Oh? I heard that Martha fancies you quite a bit.” She wasn’t lying, she did.

“She is quite beautiful I think” Ilsa sighed smiling at his direction

“She is..” Moritz mumbled to himself.

 

The bell rang and lunch was over, and the day went by like nothing. Moritz was exhausted by all the excitement created by himself. And to top it all of he has to worry about a _stupid dance_. He could puke thinking about it, he felt lately that he didn’t really want to be at school but also didn’t want to be home either, it was uncomfortable everywhere he want. He just wanted  the feeling to fade. Everyone was leaving class, and days were becoming darker, so the lighting was close to dusk, he wanted to take his time today. When Melchior offered to walk home together he lied and told him that he was meeting up with Ernst for some project, he insist he could help, but Moritz dismissed his idea, and told him it was okay. In all truth he wanted to spend time with his friend. But he was afraid that his painful crush on him would surface if he did. Plus he wanted to relax before he went home before he had to a have more painful school conversations with his father.

 

He was walking down the hall, it seemed like almost everyone had gone home and the janitors were out. Moritz decided to sit on this windowsill, and looked through his backpack just to see if he had lost anything. And at that moment Ilsa showed up right beside him with a big smile looking at him shouted “Hello my friend”

And for a second he just mumbled, looking frantically in his backpack. She noticed his expression was in utter distress “Moritz, did you lose something?

“It’s gone.. Oh god.... It’s gone. He was saying a fragile voice.

He was shaking in pure fear and Ilsa didn’t know what he was talking about

“What did you lose?”

He looked at her while closing his backpack and standing up clumsily. “I have to find it!”

He said with a frantic voice, he ran to his class and Ilsa chased after him. “Wait Moritz! What did you lose?” No response “I can help you!”

Moritz quickly goes into the classrooms that were still unlocked by the teachers. Sadly not all his classrooms were open so there was no way of knowing where his pamphlet might have gone too. He was in so much panic that at one point he lost his breath and collapsed down on the floor leaning against a locker. A still confused Ilsa plotted herself right next to him and waited for him to calm down. Moritz felt like crying. Ilsa was trying to comfort him, it didn’t help much. His whole world was shaken

“So.. are you going to tell me whats going on?”

Moritz faced Ilsa knowingly that he will open his big mouth a confess everything.

“I lost something” he mumbled nervously

“Yes I gathered that information already.. What is it?”

“Well.....”

He turned away. But he could tell that Ilsa was giving him gentle eyes, indicating that she isn’t here to judge. He knew she wouldn't

“Well, I was walking home one day and I stumble upon this pamphlet you see..”

“Yes-? She dragged

“It was a pamphlet for information about.. LGBTQ+ sorta stuff..

“Ohhhhh...”

“Yeah....”

“And you lost it here?”

He swallowed “Yeah”

“Shit”

“I Know.”

He got up brushing himself off and gave Ilsa his hand to help her up.

“Thanks.”

He looked down to his feet feeling immensely exposed. Ilsa on the other hand just wanted him to open up too her and tell her what he was feeling.

“You know Moritz you can tell me anything”

He looked up and felt like he could trust her , after all she was bisexual, and often remarked how she had a crush on Martha.

“Will I don’t know really..” They started walking down the hall. The light was somber and yellow, the sun was setting much more earlier these days, made the whole atmosphere sort of mellow, and lonely.

“I Don’t know what I am.. Bi, Gay, either way that isn’t my biggest problem at the moment..”

He hesitated. And Ilsa rolled her eyes “Moritz don’t be a baby just tell me you know that am too-” she got cut of by Moritz

“Yes! Expect you aren’t in love your best friend” as soon as he said it he regretted it. When those words fell out of his mouth, he clapped his hand to his lips in shock.

Ilsa eyes became beautifully wild. As Moritz would describe it. She had the most curious smile on her and grabbed Moritz free hand. Squeezing it brutality

“NO... Don’t tell me Moritz” she teased

“Are you in fact, in love with Melchior Gabor himself?”

He became red as a tomato which gave the answer to her question. She wanted to be considerate so she tried to control her laughter.

“Ilsa! Please I don’t need this taunting right now, it’s been a rough week.”

She composed herself, still holding his hand and gave him a serious look

“Does he know?”

‘HELL NO! And that better stay that way.”

He said those words with complete lack of trust all the sudden, looking at her intensely

“Hey.. I won’t say a word.” he sighs

“Really!”  she exclaims she turns him to her and she traced a x on his chest “Cross my heart and swear to die.” he chuckled nervously knowing Ilsa. but she was not that untrustworthy, and her cheesy promise made him much more light-hearted about his confession. Maybe her knowing his little secret wouldn’t be so painful. “Okay..” he whispered. She smiled and continued

“Will you will have to tell him one day.”

“Why?”

“Because it isn't healthy keeping things in Moritz..” she said this much more gently than he expected. Like the all mood of the situation became familiar and disheartening.

“Haven’t you ever thought, maybe that he felt the same?”

Moritz wanted to laugh but his body was not agreeing.

“Like hell he would” He says in a breathy shyness, which made Ilsa more aware of how disheartening this whole situation truly is. Ilsa realized that she was still holding his hand, she let go when they approached the front doors of the school. When they got outside the sun was radiating the same somber color that was peering through the windows. Ilsa could breath in such color and melancholy. “ _We are no fools.. My dear friend.”_

They walked together home, until they got to her street and they had to go their separate ways. in all this time they had comfortable small talk, which calmed him down about the pamphlet thing. In fact Ilsa made him forget about it. Almost completely, _It was still haunting him in the back of his mind._

Before they said their goodbyes Ilsa gave him firm hug, the released and she said

“Melchior is selfish beyond belief.”

He chuckled ironically while nodding at that statement, it was true after all, even best friends can see the worst in each other.

“Melchior is this way because of his fear of love..” her tone became once again very soft and symphonic “But... Melchior only could worry about you last summer. And you know why?” the young man felt confused where this theory was going, his breath was short and nervous for her conclusion.

“Because, he cares a whole lot about you.” Moritz felt like he was holding his breath the entire time. Those words made Moritz feel this warm feeling in the pit of his stomach, it was comforting  what she was saying but still in the same time he was still so afraid of his father finding out about  this..

 

_So afraid.._

 

They said their goodbyes, and Moritz walked home slowly enjoying the weather.

When he arrived to his home, he ate dinner with his father, answering with short answers, when his father asked questions about his day. His father was in a decent mood, and even cracked some sort of “Dad joke”

The young man washed up, and went straight into his room. He wanted to sleep, but he had math homework, and some English to prepare for. He did not want to think about the pamphlet, nor where it could be. The stress of that whole problem made studying impossible.

Luckily he had no troubles

 

_falling asleep_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy!!! what will happen next? will Melchior and Moritz finally hook up like.. God.  
> No clue! make sure to tune on in next time, on this fic i call a living mess.
> 
> Feel free to comment!


	7. flirtatious: It isn't so bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> had the new found tension grows between Melchior and Moritz. Melchior gets into trouble, Moritz innerly likewise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter I know, but I wanted to update. Next chapter will be very exposing. I know the whole "Pamphlet" thing is the worst idea that was ever written, but I'm going to go with it. I regret where the story led too hahahah. but I will finish and hopefully some of you guys enjoy it, even if it is the worst thing I have ever written. 
> 
> P.s I will fix grammar soon.
> 
> Also please feel free to comment!!

Melchior had, well let's say a interesting rest of a weekend when Moritz left his house. On Saturday night he had the oddest dream about being swallowed whole into a patch of flowers. He woke up abruptly, not knowing how long has been since he had a nightmare. He eventually fell back asleep, and then he had a different kind of “Dream” He was in his Latin class room with Moritz. And they were kissing passionately against the shock bored. His hands touching Moritz body. Breathing heavily on his neck. Hearing him sigh in pleasure. It was apparent that he was having a wit dream. He woke up feeling _Different_ , he was a mess. (In more ways than one)

Feeling this unwanted and new type of shame. Something that Melchior has never felt before in his life. He never was ashamed of sexuality. Masturbation of anything in the sort. This shame was different. He felt embarrassed and guilty that he had a wit-dream about his best friend. That had gone through tough times with his father, and was probably the most awkward and goofy human being he had ever known. But ever since the party, when Moritz kissed Melchior. Had been feeling so usually. He had never felt to oddly attracted to Moritz. Well that is a lie. He always sort of was. That was discovered when he had taught Moritz to touch himself in middle school, and after that it was already pretty weird. But now it was different. Or maybe it was the feeling that Melchior had felt for Wendla. He didn’t want to think about it. He knew full well that the reason Wendla and him aren't together was completely his fault. He was going too fast, and she let him. They could blame parents, but he knew that wasn’t the case. He was utterly shaken by the idea that he would ruin everything with Moritz like he did with Wendla. Though they are still friends, everything really had shifted. Maybe it because they were so young? Or maybe it was truly just Melchior bizarre view on love. He was afraid to even admit he was in-love with his best friend. _“What does that say about my character?”_  nevertheless school came around,  he had high hopes that everything would go back to normal and he could dismiss this developing feelings for Moritz. But alsa he was proven wrong by his own emotions. He started noticing little things about Moritz that he hardly noticed before. Like how Moritz smiles with his eyes so intensely. Of his dimple when he is thinking intently. How he sighs quietly to himself when is daydreaming. His clumsiness that can only be described as cute. _“Ah! I hate this!”_

Everything about his friend was becoming attractive to him, and he was suffering every second of it. He had noticed that Moritz was staring at him in class when he looked back Moritz was hiding his face in some sort of embarrassment. _Is Moritz feeling this tension too?”_ Melchior did not want to delude himself and start jumping to conclusions, but in the back of his mind he was hoping that he wasn't the only one suffering with these new found feelings. He acted in the outside that everything was fine, he was good at that. Controlling his feelings. But in the inside he was getting butterflies just thinking about him. But now he had a dance to worry about. He knew that Moritz hated dances, he would often go to them for just the sake of it. But he never enjoyed himself, that could be maybe because he never had a date.

Jenny a blonde girl is pretty, and as popular then he is. hinting to him that she wanted to go with him, so he asked her. For the sake of forgetting about his strange feelings for Moritz. He was ready to forget all about this, _“Love is useless, I’m just not good at it... He deserves better”_

 

\---------

 

Moritz slept better than he had expected, well rested but still in a daze of worry when his thoughts cleared up. He didn’t know what he was worried about in specific. His father? The dance? The pamphlet? There were to many things to choose from. He got ready for the day, and went to school. The whole Ilsa thing that had happened yesterday, made him feel numb yet still more calm then he should be. He was relieved that someone knew of his troubles, he took comfort in that trust, he knew she wouldn't break. But still the memory laid heavy on his mind, he was over analyzing himself again, which made him more dizzy then usually, he didn’t know how stupid he had to be to even pick up that pamphlet. He really regretted not just searching information that he wanted to know on the internet. He he implovly had to make things harder on himself. _“Well at least my father won’t find it_ ” He prayed that would be the case at least.

 

School was school, another day of hell, another day of hiding his feeling for Melchior Gabor, he was glance at him more the unusually which made him discover that Melchior has been looking back. It wasn’t his intention exposing himself. So he would play it off, with saying some odd comment now and then. Melchior didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he was the one that would look at him for quite a bit and then start a conversation. Moritz was also laughing much more around his childhood friend. Everything seemed so funny to him so light. He felt like he was wearing rose-colored glasses and only saw the pure in his crush. He cringed at himself innerly a couple of times because of it. He hated how his laugh sounded, compared to Melchior’s laugh it was no competition. At lunch they all sat once again at their usual spot, but Melchior wasn’t there Moritz’s curiosity sky rocketed and he questioned his disappearance

“Where is Melchior?”

Ernst raised his eyebrows and giggled “He was talking to his date for the dance.”

Moritz heart fell to his stomach, he knew he had one already, but still hearing it, made things so painful for him. Ilsa luckily saved the awkward and depressing silence

“So Ernst, who are you going with?”

He blushed looking at Hanschen. Hanschen was not one to be optimistic with anyone but Ernst. When his Ernst was around he seemed much more friendlier. After he stopped flirting with everyone else but Ernst, and sucked in his pride he asked him to dance at his party, which led them to kiss, to make out, you get the picture. So it wasn't a surprise when he indeed, confronted with a smug smile while sitting close to Ernst, that he was in fact going to the dance with him, weather the school liked it or not. “We will make the dance much more interesting with our company” Ernst smiled wildly and nodded. Moritz was feeling envious of their so open and proud affections for each other, he wanted to puke.

“The school won’t like that one bit.” Otta said beside Ilsa.

“No they certainly won’t” Ilsa hummed in a gleeful tone. “It will be fun, no?”

“Absolutely” Melchior said behind Moritz abruptly. Which made Moritz jump out of his skin, and yelp out loud, putting his hand on his chest. Melchior started laughing really hard. Which made Moritz heart beat even faster. _“Such a beautiful laugh”_ he thought to himself while feeling embarrassed in the same time.  His laugh became more faint, and Melchior coughed out his words through his soft laughter. “Did I scare you?” Moritz was feeling this lightness about his breath, Melchior truly looked like a Greek statue, perfect in every expression and angle, even now when he was suffering with these feelings and embarrassment, he was chuckling with him “Yes” he breathed. Melchior patted his shoulder, and sat awfully close to him, “Moritz you really are cute sometimes” Moritz eyes widen, he became beat red, and everyone noticed. Melchior did too, and correct himself, in the most broish and stupidest way he could, and he hated himself for it. He laughed and said in a sort of none-telling sarcastic tone “No homo” which made Hanschen cringe innerly, and Melchior cringe openly. Moritz chuckled, trying to keep the joke going so he wouldn’t explode, his coping mechanism for this very situations was trying to contain himself with sass, so he just rolled his eyes. “Right” this made Melchior raise his eyebrow and respond with “Okay, yes homo” Moritz lightly pushed his shoulder, smirking, trying to keep the appearance that this whole conversation wasn’t bothering him one bit. And across the table both Ilsa and Hanschen looked at each other as like they were reading each others mind. And they were, Ilsa’s eyes were saying “ _Holy hell, that was very flirtatious wasn't?”_  and Hanschen’s eyes were saying “ _a little too flirty if you ask me”_  They were correct in their possible statements. Melchior Gabor was naturally a charmer. In other words he was “Flirtatious” to everyone, it was just the way he spoke. And yes Melchior was always jokingly flirtatious with Moritz in the past, hell even Moritz played along, but this was different. It was a little too touchy, and little too flirtatious. Maybe it was because Moritz was in love with him, that it seemed that way to both Ilsa and Henschen, but they knew it was something different.like maybe Moritz’s feelings weren’t really one-sided.  

They all started talking again, and everything seemed comfortable fine, Ilsa would call him over and whisper in his ear and talk to him quietly, “How are you keeping up?” she whispered “He would smile gently, and shrug. She smiled like a wild child. And made many inside jokes with him during lunch to each other, she did this mostly to help him not think about his troubles, and to see if it would make Melchior jealous, which it did. At least in her perspective they would make jokes and laugh close, and Ilsa would noticed him looking intently in their direction, often after striking a conversion or a observation to Moritz so his attention would be on him “ _He doesn’t like it when Moritz doesn’t focus on him”_  she smiled to herself. What really gave it away. Was when Melchior mentioned the girl that he was going to the dance with saying that she is quite beautiful, and smart too. And how he was just talking to her before he got the the table. Moritz winced within every word and Ilsa tried her best to make him not depressed “ _Melchior is a idiot”_  

Ilsa could even feel Ernst catching on, on their thoughts that is, or Henschen told him, either way they all were sighing, expect for George, Otto and Anna that were in the far side of the table listening intently to Melchiors drabble.

 

Lunch ended and both Melchior and Moritz were heading to their next class Latin. As soon as Moritz sat down and Melchior the seat next to his, he had a uneasy feeling in his stomach, it was anxiety, but also something more than that, like he knew that something very dreadful was going to happen any minute now. The teacher Mr. Knochenbruch was there writing on the shock board but it seemed that he wasn’t going to wait until everyone was signed in attendance, he began, and quited down the class, a starn man, that always was too opinionated to be a teacher. He cleared his throat after all the young teens were seated and settled down, his eyes burning in annoyance and full of questioning. Everyone in this point was scared of the teacher, everyone always was. Expect for Melchior of course, who could easily been fearing his teacher but hide it to seem much like hatred. Mr. Knochenbruch reached into his blazer pocket and unfolded a front of the class a pamphlet. And low in behold it was Moritz’s that he had lost the other day. Moritz Throat became dry and itchy. His breathing was coarsely  ill. _He wanted to disappear._

“Student before he start out lesson today, I want you too tell me what this is.”

Hanschen in the back raised his hand in somewhat of interest where this is going to lead.

“It’s a pamphlet sir”

“Yes, that is obvious, but what kind?”

“Of the looks of it a pamphlet about many different types of sexuality? Gender Identity so forth.”

“Thank you Mr. Rilow.” Henschen calmed into his seat, noticing from afar Moritz discomfort.  He made a mental note that Moritz was most likely behind this ,and that he was a idiot holding that in his possession, outside and inside of school, knowing his family life.

The teacher continued “I find it inappropriate to have possession of such of thing, it does not belong here”. Melchior rolled his eyes while his teacher was going on a tangent about something as simple as a pamphlet, that is none of his business, he repeated “Bla, bla bal” Too Moritz, which didn’t help his panic attack.

“Melchior Gabor!”

“Yes sir” he said sharply ripping away from his mockery that he had joked with his friend

“I do not like being disrupted in class, stand up!” Melchior stood up slowly and straightened his back.

“Since you love sharing your opinion so much, while don’t you answer me my question?” the teacher said smugly with a cold tune. Melchior smirked “Sure”

“What do you think? Is it morally wrong for one in the same sex to lay together?”

The room was silent waiting for Melchior response. Moritz feeling sweat within his shirt dripping down his chest, holding his breath hoping that this moment would pass quickly.

Melchior breathed, and said clearly

 

“Before? Or after marriage?”

 

\------

 

“I can’t believe you're suspended from going to the dance..” Moritz sighed

“Well, It’s not like it’s the last one. Plus it was worth it seeing the look on his face.”

He chuckled and slightly touched his shoulder

“What I can't believe is that I would suspend for just making a small remark, question even.

“Melchi.. our school is just not the place for difference. It's backward..”

Melchior rolled his eyes. And laughed it off.

“How did your date react? When she heard that you can’t take her?”

“Oh she was furious, that I was so reckless or whatever. I do feel bad i admit”

“I would too”

Melchior lightly punched his arm, “Hey, don’t make me seem like a villain. I find that Mr. Knochenbruch was way out of the wrong, too even make it a discussion. He had no right to do so, plus he probably was going around to all of his classes and asking that annoying question, thinking he might find the clopert.” Moritz was in loss of words, he wanted to badly to tell Melchior that it was his, that he was dealing with these feelings. And why not? Melchior was his best friend. Why should he not tell him everything?

_I’m a coward_

Moritz breathed and smiled pretended that this whole thing wasn’t a big deal to him “Well If you're not going, i’m not going”

“What? Don’t miss out on the dance because I can’t go.”

“Like you said it isn’t the last one. Plus I don’t have a date..”

“Then ask someone.” He teased. Moritz laughed sarcastically “Right”

“Well then, this only means that we must make a night of it.”

Moritz looks to him in confusion. Melchior smiled with his teeth and continued “Let's just hang out, you'll stay the night, we watch some movies, sneak out and explore, you know all that fun indie movie kinda stuff.:”

Moritz in the first time felt like all his nervousness was a distant memory, he felt like it was like the old times, he smiled genuinely, and laughed “Like a indie movie? You gotta be kidding?”

Melchior started to laugh as well looking flushed “I thought it was a clever comparison.” the laugh dissipated when they finally had to part ways, In all truth when Melchior saw his friend genuinely smile, his heart skipped two beats, it was like a mystical light shined on him, making his compilation poetic beautiful. Which made him want to stab himself.

 

_“Maybe missing the dance isn’t so bad after all.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happened!??? Will they end up expose themselves? Will Moritz open up? Will Melchior stop being so diffic? Tune in next time kids for the thrilling continuation.
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying it!


	8. The Night of The Dance: No Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moritz and Melchior spend the night of the dance hanging out with each other, one wanted to come clean, one wanted to just be honest....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! it is up! it took my very long. I think There will be one more chapter after this so wait up! I hope you enjoy, it is becoming a little more sadder sorry. But alsa there will be a good ending. I will fix Grammar mistakes
> 
> Enjoy!!! Comment if you like.

Melchior felt uncharacteristically nervous. He was hoping that he would be going with Jenny too the dance, his plan was too forget about his confusing feelings for Moritz, but he found himself to curious about the whole thing. Maybe that’s why he didn’t care much for going to the dance, and inviting Moritz to his house instead?

 

It was the day of the dance, and all that Melchior could think about was his plans for the night with his best friend. He felt excited, which was a odd feeling for me, since he only felt that way when he was in heat of debate. This was a different type of excited, like nervousness. He knew this technically wasn’t a date or anything. But he was subconsciously preparing for his feelings to be a little more vocal tonight, whatever those feelings might be. Personally he was feeling tired of himself being so stubborn,  _ “So what if I like him?”  _  He knew that he would regret that thought later. Finally him and Moritz were comfortable with each other again, he could feel in when Moritz could actually look him in the eye, but even so Melchior was unsatisfied, like he wanted to be comfortable, but he wanted more as well. He started to like the feeling of lightness when he heard Moritz laugh. Like some sort of high, he caught himself staring at him so often that Moritz would even remark about it, (which was surprising all in itself.) It usually went like this

 

Melchior: Staring

 

Moritz: Noticing

 

Melchior: keeps on staring

 

Moritz: “Do I have something on my face?”

 

Melchior: “um.. What?

 

Moritz: You keep on looking at me

Melchior: “ _ Fuck me life _ .” (He thought, and then laughs out loud to jumble the situation so Moritz will be confused enough to forget about it.) 

 

He had to become more careful of where his eyes wonder too. When Melchior talks to people he always looked intently into people's eyes. He did so with Moritz as well, (even when his friend  didn’t do the same sometimes) But lately he loses focus on what Moritz is even saying, and daydreams unwantedly within Moritz’s eyes. Moritz would snap him out of it, when he had noticed that Melchior had ceased to listen. Not saying that Melchior didn’t enjoy talking to his best friend and listening to him, It can be quite amusing. It was him just being careless. Melchior noticed that Moritz would get nervous when he just stared at him in a conversation and zoned out. His frantic nervousness that made him stutter and bite his lip. Which made Melchior think about kissing him, he could feel body go all sweaty and tense.  _ “Snap out of it” _

 

School was as usual, everyone was scrambling at lunch for tonight. Melchior didn’t need to be part of that worry. Hanschen had a little moment with Melchior. Which Melchior was not expecting. 

“Ahh, Melchior what are your plans since you are banished from the dance?”

“I’m hanging out with Moritz”

“Predictable” he rolled his eyes and smirked 

“Is it a crime to hang out with my best friend?”

Hanschen shrugged and smirked while walking away from him. 

Latin was awkward, the teacher would pick on him a bit more than usual. Then continued on picking on Moritz. They day went on so did Melchior’s patients for school, holding his breath waiting for the bell to ring.

\-------------

 

Moritz was feeling comfortable with himself as of late, not saying he doesn't dread his voice and nervous mannerism as he usually does, but he felt more free, his father wasn't bagging on him to much. He was coming more to terms of who he was, and he was going to hang out at Melchior’s house instead of going to a cheap lonely school dance. He was noticing sudden glances at his direction from Melchior, he didn’t want to think too much about it, every time he did, his heart beat so quickly that it felt as if he could drop dead at anytime. Ilsa of course noticed his excitement and anxiousness, she has always tried to smooth things over with kind words and strange jokes, but surprisingly Ernst was the the one to make him much more calm at the day of the dance.  

 

(Let me recap) Moritz had asked if he could go to the bathroom to his english teacher and so she let him, on the way back to class he saw Ernst walking about, with a camera at hand. He was probably doing something for the school yearbook, Ernst was always the one to do such extra school activities and often dragged Henschen into his plans. 

Ernst smiled at Moritz and started to walk slowly with his striking up a conversation

 

“So you going to the dance tonight?”

 

“No.. I’m hanging out with Melchior.”

Ernst chuckled lightly  “I thought so”

 

“Oh?” he said clumsily 

 

“You guys are never apart, kinda like magnets”   
  


Moritz’s could feel his face becoming hot, he chuckled awkwardly. Ernst Continued

 

“No need to feel embarrassed, it’s good you guy’s are so close.”

 

Moritz lightly chuckled again, but then became much more darker in spirit. He held his breath then asked Ernst a serious question

 

“How do you do it?”

 

“Do what?”

 

“You know..  Be so confident in.. being with.”

 

“Do you mean how do I go about being in love with Hanschen?” he smiled

 

Moritz nodded anxiously,

 

“Well.. There is nothing wrong with being in love Moritz, it’s a good thing.” Ernst replied stopping his in his tracks to face him.

 

“There is nothing so painful about it...  to me it’s a blessing that I’m in love with him.”

 

“Blessing. That sound so nice..” Moritz replied meekly, with a calm smile 

 

“Well, it is. Being in love I mean. There is things that are worse and better than love, but there is nothing like love either.” 

 

Moritz felt his heart left a bit, feeling like some sort of child talking a wise old great aunt. He was close to his classroom, ready to go back in but first Ernst  took a quick picture of him, of ground. He knew that he looked ridiculous in it. 

 

When he went home that day he was mentally preparing himself to be asked by his father what he was up too the night of the dance, his first train of thought was, “ _ Oh shit, my father is not going to let me leave the house and tell me to study”   _ the other one is “ _ Why don’t you have date? Why aren’t you going to the dance?”  _ either one would need mass amounts of energy to prepare for, but he did have a plan to avoid both of those scenarios. When he arrived too his house it was about 3:45 since it didn’t take him too long to walk to his house from school. So he knew that his father on this Friday was going to be home around 4:30 from work. He was planning to leave his house around 7:00 exactly when the dance started at school, and walk to Melchior’s house with the intention of staying the night of course. He knew he had to time to take a nap, if not a power nap. And take a shower right after to freshen himself up. And so he did, more a less. He tried to take a power nap but that failed. He didn’t know if it was because of anxiousness or excitement for tonight. He reminded himself willing uncomfortably lying on his bed that this is just a regular sleepover at Melchior’s house and nothing more, it wasn’t like he was Melchior’s equivalent to a date because he couldn’t go to the dance.  _ “I wish..” _ he slapped himself for thinking that. He couldn't close his eyes so he just went straight to the shower. Drowning his anxiety in the warm water. His father was home soon, he could feel it. He got out of the shower, dried his mess that he calls hair with a towel, got dressed urgently. It was about 4:40, is father came home. He prepared himself for the interrogation and for the predictable questions about school and such. He quickly put away some dishes and fixed the pillows and greeted his father when he came inside. 

 

“Hello father, how was your day”

 

this was much more friendliness that he had shown him these past months, not like he had to show him any, since his father was as cold as Moritz face when he thought about the consent mental straining his father caused him in middle school. But he had no time to dwell, he had to get out of the house swiftly and as graciously as he possibly. His father gave him a casual look while replaying with

 

“It was fine, how was school”

 

he could tell that his father was still trying his best to not dwell as well, the effort did mean something, but still it was hard to hear the difference in tone. Moritz didn’t know the last time his father actually sounded happy. Maybe that was his happy? Moritz’s mom died when he was only twelve, not saying that His father hadn’t already been stricked before that. But it was usually balanced between his mother’s gentleness. 

 

“It was fine..”

 

His father put his case on the counter of their kitchen, he was lawyer, Moritz never saw how he worked, plus he didn’t want to, the whole thought of being in a courtroom bored him. He smiled slightly to his father, which was unlike him, and breathed

 

“So, I’m going to Melchior's house tonight.”

 

“You are?”

His father responded in a sarcastic tone, which said well-did-you-ask-me-first? 

 

“I thought there was a dance at the school today?”

 

“There is but I don’t have a date anyway, and Melchior he can’t go...”

 

His father raised his eyebrow sternly, like he was preparing to do a case.

“Why can’t he go?

 

Moritz felt nervous and he was sweating like a waterfall. He shouldn't have said that Melchior couldn't go. Know if he tells his father that he was banned from the dance, he would think Melchior was a bad influence and wouldn't let him go to his house, if that were the case he would either have to suck it up and be alone. Or he would have climb out his window and sneak out, he was hoping for the latter, he quickly collected himself, and said

 

“Well he has so much homework to catch up on, and I said I would study with him you see...”

 

Moritz’s father nodded tiredly, seeing that there was no reason why his son shouldn't go to his friends house to study, even if it was the radical Melchior Gabor. Plus he was trying at least to be less stern and a little more understanding ever since the accident. Embarrassed as he was, he was still his father, to change is a slow processes. 

 

”Well, you can go, if it means you are studying..”

 

Moritz felt relieved and like he could breath again. 

 

“Thank you father..”

 

So three hours went by and he took off to Melchior's house which wasn’t far away. He wanted to trust Melchior with his “discovery” In truth he was thinking about it all afternoon since Ernst talked to him, he wanted to tell his friend.. But at the same time he was scared to. “ _ What if things don’t stay the same?” _  he knew that Melchior could care less what Moritz’s sexuality was, he was his best friend, plus Hanschen and Ernst and Ilse are his friends and they all are not straight. So what was he worried about? Maybe it was insecurity. Maybe it was because Moritz secretly was in love with him.. Again he wanted to slap himself thinking about Melchior..  love.. Love was a very strong word Melchior had always said. Plus that one day where  Moritz and him walked home together and he said quite clearly in his memory 

 

“ _ Well, I don’t think I believe in love that much.” _

 

He sighed to himself walking to his best friends house, it was dark out, dark and windy, the trees sang with their leaves, like strums on a guitar, the wind the fingers, the trees the strings. He wanted to laugh out loud thinking of how ridiculous all of this was, life shouldn't be so complicated. He wanted to change, start becoming louder again. Genuinely look forward to tomorrow, without thinking about how much he missed his mother. Or how much he hated himself. He wanted to stop thinking about that night, were he was foolish enough to grab his father pistol, and sneak out of his house. How Ilsa saw him made small talk begging him to come with her and hang out. For he saw that she knew something was amiss. He didn’t want that past anymore, he wanted something more more clear, less lonely. So he did chuckle to himself. Straightened his back, he knew that the first step was to really start a new was to be honest with his best friend. 

 

_ “That’s it, no fear. I’m going to tell him.” _

 

\----------

 

Melchior was getting everything ready for tonight, he wasn’t making it anything special

_ He wasn’t _

But he did want to make it a fun time between him and his best friend. Especially if they have to miss the dance. Melchior was not trying to admit that he was taking a shower, and looking at his face like he was going on a date because Moritz was coming over, I mean they had millions of sleepovers before, but to him now everything was shifting, not just that they're dynamic was changing. He found himself unable to escape his feelings for Moritz, and Melchior has a whole was never one to hold things in, but this was a tricky situation. Moritz is his best friend since they were only six years old, this whole new shift in their possible relationship is not going to be a smooth one, plus there was the factor of Moritz sexual orientation is questionable, Melchior had a tight grip on the fact that he was bisexual in resent experience. But Moritz? He recently had thoughts that maybe Moritz did feel the same why, or even that he was gay. Or maybe all of this was wishful thinking of a young man freshly in love with his best friend. Moritz also had a lot of baggage, Melchior almost felt guilty for worrying about his feelings for Moritz and completely forgetting that fact he almost lost him last summer. Melchior losses sleep reliving that, Moritz does too. Was it really wise to confront this? To be in love with him? He wondered if that was the same thought that most people felt when they were crashing on him. Melchior hated the feeling, this overwhelming feeling of ecstasy when he thought about Moritz. Moritz could always see through Melchior, they have known each other for too long not to know their faults. Melchior was going through the whole situation in his head.

 

_ “So, even if Moritz is gay. Doesn’t mean I would have a chance with him.. I mean first of all he might just see me as a friend. Secondly maybe he wouldn't want to be with me because of how of a selfish and difficult person I can be” _

 

He shook his head and spoke to himself in the mirror, 

“Stay cool, and just be his friend Melchior Gabor.”

 

The doorbell rang and Melchior’s mother was there to answer the door to let Moritz within the house. Melchior had heard the bell and ran down the stairs, jumping on one of the steps, Mrs. Gabor smiled

“Moritz, you are looking lively! I’m glad you don’t seem to upset about not going to the dance”

Moritz smiled shyly, Mrs. Gabor has always been a second mother to him, and was a great comfort when his real mother had died. He wished that he could feel so comfortable with his father as he did with Mrs. Gabor.

“It’s not too bad Mrs. Gabor, I’m not a good dancer plus what kind of friend would I be if I ditched My best friend.” 

 

Melchior made his presence known on the stairs looking below him at his mother and Moritz

 

“Exactly! Moritz has morals mama” he laughs while walking a couple more steps down the stairs to face them equally, he smiled godly, and crossed his arms.

 

Moritz was starting to feel restless in a good way, a why you feel when you see someone you love. Which was embarrassing to himself, he hoped that Melchior didn’t noticed his excitement, as well as Mrs. Gabor. 

 

“Well ill let you two go”

 

said Mrs. Gabor, Melchior nodded and added

 

“You and father are going out to visit a friend tonight right?”

 

“Yes, we are. We’ll be leaving soon no worries then you can have your secret party” she joked.

Moritz laughed slightly and followed Melchior up the stairs.

 

When they got to Melchior's room, Melchior right away asked if he wanted to watch some Netflix, choose a movie, Melchior knew that Moritz was going to pick a horror film.  Melchior was never a overly sensitive person when it came to horror films, he didn’t understand why Moritz would always start with a horror film try to get through it and right in the middle tell Melchior to turn it off and put some thing much more dorky on like Lord of the rings, or star trek, which Melchior didn’t mind either he liked to watch those movies too, he found to funny however that Moritz was always trying to prove to himself that he wasn’t a coward, even though he clearly was. Melchior smiled at himself with with his laptop in hand placing the laptop across from them while sitting on his bed. 

 

Let me guess Moritz?  Horror film?” he smirked  


 

Moritz beamed trying to look much more confident than he actually was

 

“Yeah”

 

“Fine, but how about this. This time if he finish the whole movie without begging me to turn it off, I will do your math homework for you”

 

Moritz followed and nervously laughed 

 

“And if I lose?” 

 

“You will have to sing a fount of all our friends at lunch next week”

 

Melchior had always thought that Moritz could sing, he used to play the guitar sometimes, but mostly he wanted  to bug his friend

Moritz on the other hand was terrified by the idea, he hated performing a fount of others, he gets so weird and sweaty, but this was a challenge by Melchior, he wanted to be his equal, and in the same time he wanted to stop being such wimp.

 

“Alright, I’ll make sure to win”

 

They picked a movie. The shining, truly a classic. He had tried watching it before never got through it, but this time he was ready. So they put on the movie and watched. Melchior was smiling mockingly knowing very well that Moritz was going to tap out as soon it gets too scary. Which was half true, Moritz was scared out of his wits observing the movie, but he did not falter, there were moments where seemed very uncomfortable and laughed it off. Melchior even asked a couple of times if he wanted him to turn it off, but he declined. He thought to himself if he didn't do this, it is just a another cowardly experience that he would never hear the end of.

 

So the movie finished and in Melchior surprise Moritz watched the whole movie without even looking away. He wasn’t sorry at all that he didn’t win the bet. In fact he was so surprised that he almost forgot about it, he couldn't believe, through all those years they have known each other Moritz had not once ever got through a whole horror movie, this was a new experience. 

Moritz had a accomplished smile on his face, smug something that Melchior had not seen on him before this sort of I’m-to-proud-not-to-show-it sort of look. 

 

“So what about my math homework?”

Melchior started to smile uncontrollably, Moritz was being so alluring,  he couldn't take it. Some hours pass and they just start talking laughing, talking about old memories talking about certain rumors about people in the school. Melchior put some of his music on to fill any quiet moments and to enjoy some music. In some point a older song came up something that Melchior for a moment felt embarrassed he owned. (Okay as cheesy as it sounds) it was a Elvis Presley song, and yes you are correct it is as you guessed it “Can’t help falling in love” Melchior quickly stood up from the carpet they were sitting on, to change the song

 

“Sorry, I’ll turn it off”

 

“No, wait! I like this song”

 

Moritz said genuinely, grabbing Melchior arm to stop him. Melchior looked at him puzzled and sat himself back down. Moritz chuckled and felt care free, he undoubtedly wanted to have a serious talk with him, but every time he had the chance to he made some sort of distraction for himself so he wouldn’t have too, this song was a perfect distraction. He started to hum with the rhythm of the song swaying like a child. Melchior smirked. That smile faded into awe, when he kept looking at his friend swaying while somewhat singing along with the song, a typical Melchior impulse kicked in, he grabbed Moritz hand a dragged him up from the floor.

 

“Come on, let's dance.”

 

“What?” Moritz said dizzily  


 

“You never get to dance really at our school dances, I think it’s about time.”

 

Moritz wanted to reject the idea, but before he could do so he was already clumsy dancing with his best friend. At first there were some chuckles the indication that this was not to be taken seriously, but after a minute of so, everything was much more somber, they were close.. Very close, it was a slow dance. Moritz kept on looking at his fee. He was quite bad at dancing, a trait of his clumsiness no less. He didn’t want to step on his friend feet, as well as look at him because of how he was making his heart flutter. 

 

Melchior with his finger lifted his chin to face him which made Moritz feel like butterflies were in his stomach

This moment was slow, like without saying anything at all, their eyes were telling a whole story. And before anything could be said Melchior leaned in closer to touch Moritz lips.. 

 

_ But he pulled away _

 

He broke from Melchior facing toward the window. The younger one felt embarrassed, and turned of the song. Moritz sat himself down on the the floor leaning against the bed, Melchior slowly joined him

“Look Moritz.. I’m sorry”

 

Moritz lightened, and shook his head 

 

“No, it’s... just...”

 

His eyes shifted feeling exposed, he wanted to slap himself, but he didn’t want to comment to that self-harm around Melchior, Melchior looked hurt, he felt hurt. I mean what was he expecting? He didn’t know, some sort of sign that Moritz liked him the way he likes Moritz. He himself wanted to get swallowed away in the dark,  _ “How could I be so careless? _ ” he thought

Moritz was sitting quite close to Melchior, he felt close to him too, he knew if he didn’t open up know, he would never do so.

 

“Melchior”

 

His friends attention skyrocketed to his direction, He felt nervous, of the look at Moritz’s sad eyes he knew what it was about, well at least he thought he knew

“Well, I-” He was cut off

 

“I know about the Springtime!” Melchior blurted out, like he finally was realizing a old burden of his shoulders. He closed his eyes for a moment and once again turned to Moritz, who by expression was looked ghostly pale

 

“That night.... Well I’m the one that found you..”

 

Moritz swallowed hard, feeling his whole body becoming numb and face hot by holding back tears, pain. All the things he was trying to get over was coming back to him. And what did he mean he found him? He knew along, but not once talked to him in the summer time? Moritz felt mortified, afraid, angry. It was a mix off all of these things, he simply stood up without even think and run out of Melchior house. Melchior followed.

 

_ He wasn't going to lose him again _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ernst is all wise. also planing on getting Ilsa a girlfriend. Anyway tune is next time. Will Melchior and Moritz confess their feelings? Well this conflict be resolved? tune in next time kids. 
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK, I HOPE YOU ENJOY!


	9. Finale: I'll love you right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The finale chapter of "I love your light" everything has it's end so does sorrow, will Melchior and Moritz finally confess their feeling while also resolving issues from the past? keep reading to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever I know... I have lost some passion of this I can admit. so the last chapter might not be as good as I was hoping I feel like I rushed things a little.. but this has end sadly. I did want t make A Ilsa and Martha sub-plot but I'm a little to lazy now, Thank you for reading.

_ Flashback to that fateful Spring night _

 

Moritz thought about what he was doing thoughtfully, it was not like he did it in a whim, he planned, he dwelled, he made up a date, last words, even a letter then he decided to burn of fear that his words would only intensify himself. At the end of the day, he didn’t much care to give an explanation, his mother never did. When she died. He didn’t want to give anyone a answer, he thought he could be selfish at least this one time in his life, and leave everyone hanging like a open ended book. The thought of Melchior  that day brought him closer to life, but still it didn’t stop him, he made up his mind. He went home early that day, he saw that Melchior was busy hanging out with the beautiful Wendla, he wished him luck. It didn’t matter how it made him feel, that wasn’t his focus. It was about ten o'clock the moon was blue and full. He was never swift nor was he ever graceful the way he moved his body, only this moment he was quick and spiteful stealing stealing the pistol from the his father’s desk.  His father was asleep, needing to wake up early for work, deeply in his dreams he did not wake when his son snuck out of his house with the intention of not returning. He found a peaceful place near the river just by the smell woods where he lives, it is usually the normal walking place to his school. When he was there, Ilsa found him, she he assumed was taking a night walk. She herself didn’t have a easy life, living with foster parents because of her real parents abusive past. She made small talk, she looked high. She smiled and danced, it even made Moritz chuckle at one point, but even through all of that, when she invited him to walked with her; to walk her home. He declined. She felt something was wrong, but maybe she was too dazed herself to look fether. She was upset, but she stayed calm trying not to show her sorrow only the words of sweet dreams. And I'll be lying on a trash heap. He didn’t remember. He felt unclean now, he called out but she disappeared within the dark haze of the trees. There was nothing to stop him now.  

Maybe it was the cold, that made him tremble as he was about to put the gun within his mouth. Or it was the sound of something rattling the leave against trees that made him jump and miss his target completely on shooting his left shoulder. Everything went black at that moment, he thought of his friends and his mother and father, disappointed that his attempt didn’t go as planned. The sound he heard was Melchior, he was walking a night walk after a long day of doing nothing, he hadn’t seen Moritz after school lately, and he was talking to Wendla more often, alsa he couldn't sleep. He often loved going by the river, where him and Moritz used to swim when they were younger. It was only by pure fate that he decided to walk to where Moritz hid himself. When he noticed that somebody was also at the river he tried to see who it was. It was his friend. And in that split second while making some noise himself, he heard the shock of the bang from the pistol. He ran to Moritz feeling some blood against his arms. He cried and yelled. He called the ambulance. That memory was disnet now...

 

~~~~~~~

 

Moritz was never good at out running Melchior. His lungs couldn't take it. So it wasn’t a surprise when he got to the little park that was near his house that he would take a breather and eventually let Melchior catch up, in the idea of running away again. All he could think of is how humiliated he was, no even worse he wanted to be mad at Melchior for not telling him before that he knew, that he found him that night, but he couldn’t. It was driving him crazy, he couldn't stay mad. It was often hard for him to stay mad when it came to Melchior. “ _ Well things couldn’t get worse I guess.”  _  he gave up on the idea of running the warm wind confronted him he sat himself on the swing set. Swinging softly like he was cradling himself. He head through the dimly lit street way footsteps running, Melchior finally had caught up. He had an idea how Melchior came to found him there. Melchior knows him too well not to. 

Melchior came closer  to the park seeing Moritz sloshed on the swingset. He breathed in a couple of times trying to regain his strength. Moritz looked up at him, glossy eyed, looking tired and worn out. Like his soul was not giving him any rest. Melchior felt stupid, guilty. Just pitiful all at once without a word he sat himself next to Moritz on the other swing seat. 

 

“Moritz...”

 

It’s okay Melchi.. Technically he did save my life” he mocked to himself trying to make light of the situation. He swallowed his tears back bravely

 

“Why didn’t you tell me right away?”

 

It was a good question that Melchior himself had trouble finding the answer for. 

 

“I was afraid I guess... Of what I don’t know. Selfish huh?”

 

“Oh” he lightly chuckled sounding unconvinced

 

“I should've called you, I should have seen if you were alright before hand. I got so caught up...” He stopped himself knowing that whatever he was going to say wouldn't change anything. 

 

“Why did you do it Moritz?”

 

The question took Moritz for surprise for he didn’t know Melchior would investigate so far into it. 

 

“I was in a dark place, having no mother made it worse. My grades, my father's cold way he talked to me. Everything. Even know I don’t feel quite myself when I smile. But I want to. You know?”

 

Moritz felt almost ten years younger getting all that junk of his chest, finally to his best friend. Of course that wasn’t all that still was a kept hidden. Melchior felt the same. He felt like dirt yes, but he was overjoyed that Moritz was finally talking to him honestly, not behind smoke a mirrors. 

Melchior apologized again “I’m so sorry Moritz”

 

Moritz shook his head “No... Anyway I have should have not ran out on you like that.. That was so lame.”

 

“Nah, besides didn’t I say I wanted to sneak out tonight?”

 

“Like a indie film?”

 

Melchior smiled at that remark, even now they could joke, maybe it was the way that they confronted each other. They talked for awhile on the swingset about everything and anything. Melchior had the great idea of going to a corner store and getting something, it was getting colder out it didn’t help that it was night time, Melchior offered to give him the sweater he was wearing but Moritz felt to self conscious. His apparent crush on his best friend did not falter after the events that happened tonight, if anything he felt even more lightheaded. On the walk there his thoughts became more organized you could say. He started analyzing what happened between them when they danced. How Melchior was leaning closer to him. He wanted to scold himself for thinking anything of it... He still felt unsatisfied, of course Melchior wouldn't like him that way, he expected that. Either way he had to somehow feel comfortable again, somehow be brave enough to at least to come out to him.  He didn’t expect how hard it was to muster up some courage while silence loomed over them, it was a nice quietness, but still he felt as if his heart was caught in his throat he was sweating looking back and forth to Melchior like he was deciding whether to jump off a bridge or just scream in the top of his lungs. It wasn’t any easier when Melchior would occasionally fill in the empty void of quietness with some sort of observation or saying once again how sorry he is for not calling him in summer time, which Moritz only responded with simple it’s okay’s. They finally got the the corner story near their houses, they got some pop and chips. Melchior offered Moritz that he would pay for everything, Moritz refused religiously. But Melchior bought him something anyhow. Moritz was annoyed by this, because even though it was a kind gesture, of course Melchior felt the need to not listen and do something without his knowledge or support in the first place. They got what they needed and started walking back... 

 

_ Somewhere _

 

Moritz and Melchior weren’t really sure where they were heading. It was a nice walk in the cold night air, like Summer was finally drifting away. Moritz did sort of wonder way they were not just going back to Melchior’s place, but he supposed that it would be even more stiff if he just sat there in his best friends room thinking up a great way to say “ _ Hey! So, I know this is sudden but I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed gay, also I am so hopelessly in love with you it almost makes me sick”  _  okay he wouldn't have said that last part. They had done quite a bit of things,  Melchior suggest that they go by the old brick church and climb up it towering roof. Of course Moritz dreaded even thinking about doing such a thing. The heights and all.

 

“Are you serious? We just had a pretty deep discussion of my past and now you want me to face certain death by falling?”

 

Melchior tried not to laugh at the remake because of the reference of the darker part of their night.  “Fine, fine why don’t we just sit on the field then?”

Moritz’s face becoming kinder to his complexion against the light from the moon, “Yes I think that be better. They didn’t know how long they were out, they didn’t feel the least bit tried as they should. Melchior checked his phone for the time and saw that it was already 5:30 in the morning, they were out all night. He wondered if his mother and father came home and noticed. Probably not, knowing them they went straight to bed as soon as they came home without even checking if they were sleeping or not. He hoped that his mother would be too tired to notice that their shoes were gone. 

 

So they went, and sat on the grass and let the cool air wrap their bodies, Moritz started to feel the drowsiness but choose to ignore it, for he didn’t want to sleep, he in fact was enjoying himself more than he thought he could. It was a comfortable slice between them. So comfortable in that intense way, that it gave Moritz a sense of inner peace, he hadn’t felt for a long time. Melchior was in a way the opposite of this though he felt relaxed he also felt unsatisfied. He wanted to do living up the situation, like a child that can’t sit still. He decides to do the following. He in that split second of true naturalism tackled Moritz which caused them to roll down the small hill. They almost landed near the water that the moon was slowly sinking into. Melchior was on top of Moritz and continued to tickle him mercilessly.

 

“Ple-ase s-stop” Moritz was laughing so hard under Melchior attack that he couldn't breath, he tried fighting back it didn’t work. He was completely surprised that this was randomly happening, they hadn’t done this kind of stuff since they were like 12 years old. Melchior was on top of moritz both laughing at the silly thought of each other.. The laugh died a little. As Melchior stared quite deeply within his best friends eyes with a look or daze from the exhausting laughter which faded into a look of such warm initiation. Moritz couldn’t ever tell what Melchior was thinking this was no exception. It was like a split second of realization when it hit. Melchior inched closer and kissed Moritz gently on his lips, he was paralyzed he couldn't breath yet everything felt so alive around them he didn’t want to kiss to end for he didn’t want to face what would happen after. He decided it was best if he pulled away and ran. But he couldn't run he needed to to get things off his chest, he needed to open up. It was no longer a choice it was what is meant to happen, so he did. He pulled away and stood himself up, while Melchior quickly stumbled to his feet with a face that can only mean fear. 

 

“Moritz... I’m”

 

“Melchior”

 

That silenced him. They way he said his full name in such a way of fact, he was to shocked to go on. Moritz felt as if Melchior new his feelings or maybe knew that he was gay, and was playing him for some reason. He knew that Melchior wouldn’t do that to him to this extent but this was the only explanation he could come up with to make sense of way in earth he would willingly kiss him.

 

“I’m gay... as you might know” Moritz breathed  “And don’t want to you to make fun of me”

 

“Moritz, do you think I would kiss to make fun of you?”

 

In a small voice Moritz responds with a “I don’t know”

 

Melchior set out a sympathetic smile and sigh. And inched closer to Moritz that was facing the pond near them. 

 

“Moritz..”

 

He didn’t respond to caught up in this mess of thought that he didn’t know what to say.

 

“I’m glad you opened up to me.. You know why I’m glad?”

 

“No” he said he in a quiet and tried sort of way

 

“Because there then might be a chance... that you might...” he started not being clear with his words which surprised Moritz more then one can imagine. The fact that Melchior was mumbling and fumbling around he couldn’t help but hold in a smile even in this trying time

 

“That you might be interested.. In me..”

 

Moritz became beat red and his breath became short he could see Melchior blushing as well it was a sight that was worth all the money in the world. 

 

“What?”

 

“What I’m trying to say Moritz is that I am in love with you, and I know you had lots of reason to believe that I am not for I had stated not long ago that I didn’t believe in such- “

 

Before Melchior could finish his rant Moritz laughed abruptly whipping the oncoming tears away as Melchior starts to crack a smile

 

“I think I loved you since the first time we meet, and just realized it when I almost lost you, or maybe i knew before then but i was too much of a self-centered idiot to see.”

 

Melchior started to feel nervous waiting for Moritz’s reaction he almost turned away in embarrassment until he heard

 

“I love you Melchi”

 

“You do?” in an almost shocked voice

 

“Duh” he whispered

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

Moritz just smiled at him they both could see this light above each other. This warm radiant light that only meant that heaven itself was looking onto them. Before they head back to Melchiors house they did kiss. It was awkward and clumsy but it was the best kiss that they had ever had. Has they walked home Melchior whispered

 

“I love your light Moritz Stiefel” 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know what kind of cheap ending was that? but alsa I am done, and this is the finale! Thank you so much for supporting and reading this disaster that I started writing because I was super bored. I hope you enjoyed this trash story as much as I dreaded writing it! HAHAHA   
> PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!

**Author's Note:**

> Also if there is A LOT OF MISTAKES IN GRAMMAR. I'll fix that later


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